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I can understand the reasoning behind the belief that reoccurring times such as birthdays and placement anniversaries can be a traumatic time for those who were adopted. It also happens to those of us who have suffered any deeply emotional loss, even the death of a child. What you will find is that this “feeling” of loss sort of goes into hibernation after a long initial period of grieving, but it still lies just under the surface and can show up in some interesting ways.
Many years I have just had what I somehow thought was an extreme “bad day” without really stopping to think about why. There seemed to be no apparent reason, just a regular day. Well as we go about our busy lives I think the mind often slips and forgets the details, but the heart always remembers the imprint of trauma. For myself May 7th has become one of those days. May 7th, 2000 was the day my sweet, wonderful, handsome little nephew left our family here on this earth. Today is the anniversary of our precious Evan’s death.
This little boy was a truly awesome little fellow, always so joyful and happy to be around. Although he had so many difficulties from the start of his short 2 ½ year life, he never seemed to mind so much and to see that this little guy could find the wonder everywhere around him really made me think about how the rest of us complain over a whole lot of nothing.
Evan was really such a gift and without his inspiration I might not have my own son today. In missing my nephew so much early on I think I found myself looking for my own son to hold and comfort. Something pushed me to look for my baby till I found him. I like to think I can thank Evan for that. I know that no child can ever replace the loss of another but I like to think that Evan steered our son into our lives to focus so much of the love we had once shared with him. That would be just like him!
As the years have passed I often am so busy with my mom stuff that I don’t stop to think about Evan on this day. I think of him many other times through out the year but on this anniversary of our loss I will often run around feeling like I misplaced my car keys, or I just rolled out of bed on the wrong side. I keep thinking something is so wrong, but what? Then when it hits me I crumble. Traumatic loss leaves it’s imprint. It is felt even when we do not allow our mind to fully process why.
Right after the loss of their only son, my sister and brother in law spoke of fostering or adopting a child who they could share their abundance of love with. Again one child never can replace another, but I thought it would be such a blessing to any child they could allow into their lives. They are great parents, Evan knew that very well. Sadly this hope for another child in their family has never come to pass. They choose to focus their love and attention on my children and our other niece and nephew and I really hope that it brings as much joy to them as it does to the kids. They certainly deserve it. Their little boy, our special little angel would have wanted it for them.
Website Review: Sad Times Of Our Lives
Photo: “Heaven’s Evan” Copyright Deb Donatti
(((Hugs Deb!)))