I was having a great conversation with a friend and fellow birthmom last night and the phrase “moving on” in regards to adoption came up in the conversation. I really dislike this phrase.

I’m sure most birthmothers have heard it before. Sometimes other people will make the comment “she just needs to move on” or “get over it” about a birthmother or sometimes even directly say this to her. To me personally, moving on implies moving past something and forgetting it. I think people who are not touched by adoption (and even some that are touched by adoption but not birthmothers) grasp the concept that a birthmother can not just “move on” and forget her child. She will never “get over” that loss.

In the older days of adoption, this was the way things were done. You were supposed to forget about your child, never tell anyone, pretend it never happened. A birthmother never can forget her child. No matter how much peace a birthmother feels regarding the relinquishment of her child, she can never forget that child. That child will forever hold a special place in her heart.

Is it still like this today, even in this era of open adoptions, are we as birthmothers still told to get over it and move on?? Sometimes yes, although I suspect that we hear this less often today than the birthmothers of the previous generation.

Does moving forward in my life, creating new goals and dreams, mean that I am moving on and forgetting my child? Of course not! Yes, I’m moving forward in life. For the most part, I’m happy and content with my life, but I will never ever “get over” the loss of my motherhood to Charlie. I am not consumed by my grief, it doesn’t control mu life, and in time, I’ve come to accept it. There is nothing I can do now to change it, but that doesn’t mean that I have forgotten him. He is with me all the time in my heart and soul.