At times, I think the grief with open adoption can be a misunderstood grief. There are even times that I misunderstand it myself. It is definitely a unique type of grief.

As a birthmother participating in an open adoption, I’m very happy to be able to see Charlie and be a part of his life. I’m grateful that S and A are so willing to include me and make me such a big part of their family and Charlie’s life as I know that sadly, that is not the case for every birthmother and every adopted child may not be able to have that type of involvement. I enjoy my visits with Charlie and family. I love celebrating birthdays with him. I treasure every photo. I write down the cute things he says in each phone call or the stories that A relays to me and replay them in my head when I missing him.

But just because I am thankful and am able to enjoy what I do have does not mean that it doesn’t hurt. It does hurt that I’m not the one parenting and raising Charlie. It hurts that I only see some moments through photos and it hurts that I’m at the birthday party, yet not the one actually throwing the birthday party.

Sometimes though, I feel like I shouldn’t hurt. People have said that I should be grateful for the involvement I do have and I’ve even told myself this many times before. When I am sad, I have told myself not to be sad because I have the opportunity to be such a big part of Charlie’s life, but I have had to learn that it’s ok for me to be sad. It’s ok for me to grieve the things I am missing and for me to deny myself that would be unhealthy.

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