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Every single day I think about my birthson. Not one day goes by that I don’t think of him but there are days that I think of him more than others and thus miss his presence in my life more at certain times than others. Yes, we are in an open adoption, thus a part of each other’s lives but I do miss his daily presence in my life that would occur if I were parenting him. I doubt I’m alone in this.
Sometimes there are triggers for times that I miss him more such as birthdays and holidays but at other times there isn’t any special date and I just find myself missing him more than usual. Perhaps it is because I see a mother and son out in public that remind me of what could have been or perhaps I see something in the son I am parenting that reminds me of Charlie or perhaps nothing but my heart sets off missing him.
How do you get through this when you find that the feelings of missing your child are more intense than usual?
For me personally, my number one thing to do anytime I am feeling something strongly is to write about it. Not here in the adoption blogs and not even in my own personal blog, but in my journal which is private for my eyes only. There sentence structure doesn’t matter. I don’t correct misspellings or count words; I just pour out my feelings.
Another thing that I do is talk about my feelings to whomever I choose to that day. Usually I feel most comfortable discussing that either with my husband or a friend who is also a birthmother or both.
Scrapbooking also serves as a healthy way to cope with missing Charlie for me.
None of this takes the place of an actual visit or a phone call, but it does help me cope.
Also, in the flexibility of our adoption situation, I know that I call when I am missing Charlie but I know this isn’t a possibility
How do you cope when you are missing your child more than usual?
I am so sorry for your pain and thank you for your courage to share it. It i very important that expectant mothers considering adoption know and understand that open adoption is not a panacea it s often painted to be. It is not the best of the worlds; having your cake and eating it too. Nor is it shared parenting as in divorce.
Many mothers in open adoption have found it more painful than expected – like keeping a wound always open – that they have stopped visiting. Others have been betrayed and have had the adopters totally shut them out only to discover that precious few states honor or enforce open adoption contact agreements – they are merely promises. Because mother relinquish ALL rights to their child and are legally note related to them, the adoptive parents have ALL the rights to parent as they chose, live where they chose and allow visits or mail as they chose.
Losing a child to adoption, whether open or closed, means your heart will walk around outside of your forever. It is very painful, forever. The shame, guilt, worry and grief are always with us.
I am 42 years post surrender. I never forget.
Again, thank you for sharing this important topic.
Mirah Riben, “The Stork Market: America’s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry”
http://AdvocatePublications.com
I was watching a television show the other day and they were interviewing a woman who had chosen adoption for her baby. She said something that really struck me about her child- “I didn’t give my baby up, I made a plan for him, so that he could have the best life possible- and that plan was adoption.” What a selfless and loving act.