Although we do have, for the most part, open adoptions with any number of birthfamily members, two of our children have biological fathers who are not involved, and we are not in contact with. One child’s birthfather is even an adoptee in a closed adoption himself. The sad thing is that both these birthdads do not have contact because they do not choose to be involved, not because we have really restricted them from participating. Not being able to see or know them however, has had very little to do with how our children think and wonder about them. The kids talk about their mysterious birthfathers, and they long to know more information about them.

Traditionally, the male perspective in adoption has been mysterious and unheard. While I have no doubt that these fathers think and feel things about their placed children, we are seldom privy to what exactly those feelings encompass. Things recently in the news show us that this is slowly changing. Fathers are stepping up and attempting to make their feelings about their children known. One can only hope that this means more of them will also participate in contact too, if they decide on an adoption placement for their child.

Out of my three children, my son has been very blessed to have a birthdad who has been active in his life. While he might not be visiting or calling as often as we would like, he is remaining involved and I think that has made a world of difference for our son. I also believe that in some ways it has helped our daughters too. They do see his participation and care for their little brother, and I believe that they understand that on some level, even if not involved, their own birthfathers are also concerned about them.

Just because a father’s participation in the creation of a child, is a pretty quick (for some) involvement, that should not mean that he remains elusive and mysterious to his child. Even if not parenting, first fathers have a lot to offer their placed child. Encouraging men to step up, remain involved and understand what that means for the child they helped create is something our society needs to do.

Missing Love

Birthdads And Birthdays

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