“Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.”

-Winnie the Pooh

I love that little Pooh, even if he is a “silly ole bear” he has a darn good grasp of one of the most important ingredients for living with in a positive open adoption, Trust.

While one objective of open adoption is to lessen the loss for those involved, that is just what it does, it does not make loss disappear. Openness in adoption also means adoptive parents bearing witness, often on a daily basis, to the grief and loss experienced by the birthparents of their child. While everyone grieves in their own way, how birthparents choose to handle their grieving process can have a definite impact on the parents of their birth child, and adoptive family life. As adoptive families we do live in the shadow of birthfamily grief, so we should learn about it, and learn to expect it.

A birthparent who does not appear to grieve the loss of her child at all, sends an uncomfortable message to the adoptive family. The message can be that feelings in this relationship are deep, hidden, and taboo. This person always seems comfortable with things, and often only on a superficial level. They seem to relish being involved, but only as a spectator and not so much an active participant. The don’t ever allow themselves to show some of the more difficult parts of their experience, because they do not want others to feel responsible for their feelings of loss. A kind gesture, but a self defeating one. Adoptive families can find this hard to process, though the consistent happy facade might outwardly seem preferable, it also means that the depth, and growth of the relationship is not being challenged toward further trust

Equally as difficult is a birthparent who chooses to process their grief in a highly charged, extreme, and emotional way. This person may never just allow themselves to enjoy the relationships being formed. Any gathering or event with this person will give the distinct impression that they are unhappy about everything. They cry at every significant and insignificant moment. They cannot put aside some of the more difficult emotions to reach out for the positive benefits that contact and ongoing openness provide. They cannot “allow” themselves to be “ok” with any aspect of the adoption, because perhaps in their thinking from the bottom of their grief, to enjoy a moment means that they telling people this is not difficult for them. Oddly enough this type of extreme leaves the adoptive family equally as distanced emotionally as they might be with a birthparent who does not show her grieving at all.

For a birthparent who can manage to attain a proportionate mix between these two extremes, open adoption can be a cathartic, healing experience. Using the power of their personal control over their own grieving process can also stand as a beautiful testament to their birth child and the adoptive family to the healing power of trust. This is not to say that one will always, and at all times be able to carefully balance difficult emotions. But by building trust during the times that you are, one gains the ability to step away from things when needed, and feel confident that the relationship is solid.

Adoptive families who practice an open adoption choose to live their everyday lives with in the context of knowing, and being an active, hopefully empathetic, participant in the birthparent’s grieving process. This truly means adoptive families are living in the shadows of adoption loss.

Open Adoption All Gloom And Doom?

Between Adoptive Parents and Birthmothers