I received an email from a reader recently, a birthmother who was frustrated with trying to build a relationship with her now grown child. She mentioned feeling that the adoptive mother was being overprotective and that this was somehow slowing down the process. She asked what she could do to keep things moving towards a more open relationship with her children. I think my answer surprised her. I told her to be grateful for the overprotective mother.
In this particular case, the children had been in the social system a couple of years before being placed with the adoptive family. How lucky for those children to now be in the care of someone who is willing to defend them, protect them, and advocate for their well being and happiness? It’s what great mothers do. And as a birthmother, one of our biggest hopes is that our children will have great mothers.
I suggested to this birthmother that she spend some time showing respect, and even admiration, for this adoptive mother. That it’s not just about her and her relationship with the children anymore. They are part of a family now, a unit, and she needs to embrace this entire unit, not try and single out her child. Yes, the child is an adult now, but that doesn’t change a thing. They are still part of a family. You’re either all in – or all out.
Respect has this great ability to grow. You give it – and you will get it back. Whether you are an adoptive parent or a birthmother this is a good course of action. The sooner everyone understands and shows respect for the other, the sooner you’ll open the door to a great future.
I have read so many letters about birthmothers trying to contact the children they gave up….you gave that child up..period. I am sure it was the hardest thing you have ever had to do and I’m sure you have regreted it from that moment, but you did give that baby up to another family. That is now their family. One day that child may want to find you and when or if that day comes, you will know that it is the way the child wanted it to happen. My brother and I were both adopted from two different families by the best parents in the world and about 11 years ago my brother died from heart failure. 7 years ago “his” BM contacted my mom and dad. It was so sad to see my parents get upset about it. They weren’t that mad, but upset that she contacted them after she knew he had passed. She wanted to talk to them about everything he had done and accomplished in life. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it is best to leave it to the adoptee to do the locating, because they are the ones who really have all the question.
I’m going to respectfully disagree. Adopted children aren’t the only ones in the Triad that have questions. The birth mother/first mother doesn’t “give up” her child. She places her child for adoption with a family that is better equipped to raise the child at that time due to circumstances in her life. Not every BM/FM regrets the adoption because they put a lot of thought and pain into making that decision.
A lot has changed since adoptions of the past and for the better. Open adoptions ease the pain of the BM/FM AND the adopted child. I’m not a psychologist but I’m pretty sure that you’ve struggled with being adopted. The language you use clearly showes some resentment or bitterness and I’m sorry for that. When a parent keeps in contact with the first family their child ever knew they have a wealth of knowledge at their fingertips.
I’m sorry for the loss of your brother and for your family’s pain. My guess is that your brother’s BM/FM was in pain about the second loss of her child and was hoping to glean some information about him from your parents.