e-mail
When people talk about an adoption being open, there are certain things people expect when they hear that phrase “open adoption”. Pictures and letters at least once a year, probably, but certainly more than that. Regular visits. Frequent phone calls, letters, packages from both birth and adoptive families. From the very beginning.
Our adoption hasn’t been that way. What our agency called “open adoption” well…wasn’t. No identifying information was to be shared; and if it was, the agency officially didn’t want to know about it. When visits happened, they were to be in a neutral location with a social worker or other moderator present. We were told that other adoptive families used cell phone numbers for contact, because cell phone numbers aren’t associated with names on Caller IDs. I have since heard this referred to as a “semi-open” adoption.
Over the years, we haven’t had a lot of contact with M. Our contact has mostly been with her parents; specifically, her mother and me. When we were first placed, our social worker said that M had requested 4 visits during the first year. That was fine. It would not be easy, maybe, but it would be fine with us. I think we might have had 2 visits with M before our daughter’s first birthday, and 5 visits with M’s parents. Then there were the 2 years that we had no contact with M at all. We had no way of contacting her. Her mother said that she didn’t have a phone, that she was going through some serious issues with depression, among other things. Does that still count as having an open adoption?
We have no contact with anyone in our daughter’s first father’s family either. Currently, it is neither safe nor possible for us to have contact with him. Someday, when he is doing better physically and emotionally, we hope that we can be in contact. He knows how to get in touch with us if he ever wishes. But right now, it’s not possible. Does that mean our adoption is open?
I think it is. Our daughter knows that she has a mother, a father and parents – and they aren’t necessarily the same people. She knows that she has two different sets of family, all mixed together. She knows that there are a lot of people that she’s related to, both by blood and love, and they all love her more than life. That, to me, is open adoption. No secrets. Being able to see where you came from and where you are now, and being able to imagine with all those people where you can go in the future.
[...] all of us. M had, I think, the most difficult time so far dealing with her loss. I mentioned in my previous post that M had dealt with depression for a period of time, when School Girl was 3 or so, and that we [...]