Deb’s recent post about open adoption being easier for adoptive parents got me thinking about the myth that I believe some may have about open adoption being easier for birthmothers as well.

I often wonder about that. I don’t know closed adoption. I only know open adoption. It’s all I have experienced and it’s all I know at this time in my life. I know that not being able to see my child would be heartbreaking but sometimes seeing my child can be heartbreaking. Seeing him run to someone else when he is hurt or hearing him call someone else “mama” can be heartbreaking.

Am I thankful that I have an open adoption? Yes! But that doesn’t mean that it is pain free. There is still pain involved. Open adoption is not a constellation prize for relinquishing my child and loosing my motherhood. There are still intense moments of grief, hurt, heartache, and sadness for what I have lost between my child and me.

I hurt when I see him and have to say goodbye. I hurt when he is hurt and I am not the one there to comfort him. I hurt when I know I am not the one who is playing Santa. I hurt when I think of all the moments I am missing.

I would never stop having an open adoption unless it wasn’t my choice. I feel that open adoption is in Charlie’s best interests but there are times when I think life would be so much easier if I didn’t have to face it – open adoption – every single day. Sometimes when I am super emotional about the situation, I just wish I could crawl in a cave and hibernate. Or someone could just wave a magical wand and things didn’t have to be this way.

In a perfect world adoption of any form wouldn’t have to exist at all, but unfortunately we don’t live in a perfect world.