Comments on: Interfamily Adoptions: Grandparents Became the Parents

By: Coley S.

Coley S. — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 13:56:00 +0000

Very interesting perspective Coley! I really did not expect that a woman's own parents who adopted would disclude her and distance themselves from her as they might from an unfamiliar birthmom (not that this is any better). Unfortunately that happens more times than not.

Thanks for the comment Deb!

Mama S, it sounds like you gave your daughter many opportunities to ty and be a successful parent.

Janet, thank you for sharing!

By: MamaS

MamaS — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 08:20:15 +0000

When my single (adopted) daughter became pregnant, I gave her a safety net too. A house, a car, an allowance, medical insurance, mentoring and college tuition. She trashed the house, wrecked the car, spent money on drugs, did not take the baby for checkups, and flunked out of college. When she disappeared for a month (leaving the baby with me) I got legal guardianship. The court gave her six months to “get her act together”, then six more, then twelve more. Finally, when he was four years old, I formally adopted him for financial and legal inheritance reasons. He is five now. We haven’t actually told him. I am still his Nana and she is still his Mommy. Nothing changed, except that piece of paper, which will someday be explained.
Yes, this did distance me from my daughter. I still love her, but she still wants to “parent” and she criticizes everything I do. (Example: He got a Thomas the Tank Engine Halloween costume because that is what he asked for. She told him that was a “baby” costume and got him a pirate costume –complete with bloodstained sword. Then she got angry with me because he was afraid of it!) She also drops little zingers into the conversation like “I want to take you to Florida when I go, but Nana won’t let you go. Will you miss me? Don’t cry okay?” It is for his emotional health and stability that we have had to distance her from our daily lives.
I continue to pray that she will grow in wisdom and maturity, but she is an adult and can make her own choices. My first concern has to be the welfare of the child.

By: happygmom

happygmom — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 03:59:56 +0000

Great blog! When my single daughter became pregnant, several of our friends encouraged us to adopt her son rather than lose him to a stranger adoption. For us, we found a kinship arrangement more suitable. It gave our daughter a safety net to complete college, provided her son with health benefits and out daughter with our mentoring, and it did not break the mother-son bond.

I have two relatives who tried adopting their grandchildren about 20 years ago, and in both cases, the mother reclaimed her child after she got on her feet financially. One family reconcilled and the other did not.

Janet

By: Deb Donatti

Deb Donatti — Sat, 21 Jul 2007 02:29:13 +0000

Very interesting perspective Coley! I really did not expect that a woman’s own parents who adopted would disclude her and distance themselves from her as they might from an unfamiliar birthmom (not that this is any better).