Well it is 1:00am here, we are back from our church’s candlelight service, kids are asleep, and these stockings are about to get stuffed!

To everyone out there have a very Merry Christmas!

The picture with this post is one I took earlier in the week, mom fooling around and pretending to be one of ‘Santa’s elves.’ Honestly I look like I have ingested way too much eggnog (light on the egg, heavy on the nog.) I think it is funny, but I also know that this is a picture of the me that has really been missing for some time now. I have honestly been very down lately, not the mom that I would like to be for my kids, and this holiday season has been one of the toughest in years for me to fight off the blues.

I used to be a fun mom, at least I thought so, I played the holiday songs, dressed up, and decorated every inch of our little house with Christmas stuff in years gone by. Some how this year, between non-stop eating, sleeping and breathing adoption issues, along with holiday depression, I have lost that silly, fun mom that I used to be. I laugh at my look in the picture, but at the same time it is sad because I want that mom to be the one the kids remember, and not the down, depressed and sad me. I know, for at least today, I will be working really hard to keep up beat and positive and enjoy the Christmas activities with my family.

I think a small part of my being down is thinking about my kids birth families. A part of me wishes we could all visit at this time of year, but I know that is just not possible. We have already visited some of them, but you can only be so many places in such a short time, and with three kids, something has to give. I always regret that we cannot give the same type of attention and share the holidays with everyone in the children’s birth families who want to be with them.

I will also admit, some small part of me even wishes that we could be that run of the mill family, and that our children were also connected to us by birth. I would not trade these children for anything, but some days I just wish life was not so complicated. I like to fantasize that if there were no ‘adoption issues’ that this mom would be happier, less depressed. Of course that might not be true, I might still be as sad this time of year as always, who knows.

I am learning that a big part of being happy in your life, is just accepting it as it occurs. I did not plan to be an adoptive parent, but the children I love and who call me mother, do have another set of parents and family. Many times I can see the beautiful blessing in this journey for all of us. Aside from all the pain, and sometimes the sadness, there are some really wonderful times that I would never wish to trade.

Today I am just going to work hard at being the ‘fun’ mom, making this Christmas morning the best I am able for my three children. I know there will be other times when I will feel down and overwhelmed by all the extra stresses that go on in my life, but if I work hard to build memories like the ones we made this evening at the candlelight service, or the day I posed for the crazy elf photo, I think the kids will remember a mom who was a pretty good one after all.

And if you want to see yourself as cute as me in this picture, try this website on for size! Hurry the fun ends January 2nd!

Elf Yourself

Photo:© 2007 Deb Donatti