I want to tell you about L and W.

They adopted a newborn A, several years ago from a young mother M who had many harsh issues in her life. There was a long history of mental illness, drug use, abuse, violence, prostitution, homelessness and inevitably incarceration.

L and W held high hopes for M, they wanted her to recover and be an active part of her child A’s life. They wanted a very open adoption. In the early years they stayed in close contact with M’s family. They sent information through them to M about A, all the developments and joys as well as struggles. They wrote of their hopes and prayers that M would find recovery and be part of their family. They also did a lot of praying.

Many of M’s own family discouraged the adoptive parents, telling them to let go of the idea that M would ever be in recovery and a valuable asset to their family. They had all given up hope of that in their own family years prior. Still L and W went forward and having visits and contact with M when she was sober and not in a facility. The times they saw her were not so bad. M did seem to have a lot of positives to offer A when she herself was doing well. Unfortunately the times she was doing well were short and fluctuated wildy over the years. M went on to have other children, those she attempted to parent and sometimes lost custody of. L and W were witness (as was A) to the chaos and instability that resulted. They felt a connection to A’s birth-siblings and wanted them to be safe, but there was little they could do. Meanwhile their own lives became increasingly difficult from the perspective of how to deal with M’s instability.

They also began to see changes in A’s behavior as she grew and the negative effects from this contact that was often sporadic and chaotic took its toll. Unless L and W were able to hide it from A, and that in itself appeared to be emotionally conflicting and draining for them, what were they going to do? They really seemed to have reached an impasse.

Well in L and W’s case they eventually chose to end contact with M. It was a hard decision for them to make but one that because of M’s self-destructive lifestyle they felt pushed into. Yes they say they felt pushed into it. It was not what they wanted but they had run out of happy and even politically correct ways to deal.

Should L and W be condemned because they are not still pursuing their original dream of an open adoption? I could not say that to them myself, it would to me be the equivalent to blaming them for the infertility and inability to conceive that first brought them to adoption. It was not their fault. Sometimes things happen that are out of your control, no matter how much you wish otherwise.

I know that L and W continue to pray for M’s recovery, they are always open to the possibility that she could turn her life around and be a valuable member of their family. Is that open adoption though? In my opinion no, not any longer. Open is when you have contact, not just the prospect of contact conditionally down the road. Do I think they are wrong? NO. They are doing what they signed up for as parents, protecting and nurturing the heart of their child, no matter how it has not gone as they hoped and as little control they might have over changing that.

Open adoption is not always possible. I think no one is sadder than L and W about that.