An interesting theory has come up lately that every adoption could and should be an open one.

Ideally that would be great, but honestly how realistic is it?

I have no doubt that most birthparents care about their children, many have a lot to offer even though they are not parenting them. Open adoption can be a wonderful and positive thing for a child and I encourage everyone to consider if it is possible for them. If it is possible for them. I am also all too aware that there are some birthparents who just cannot be a daily part of their child’s life, for various reasons the main one being the safety and emotional well being of said child.

So do adoptive parents who are in such a situation accept the criticism that they just don’t “get it”, or do we begin to understand that there really ARE reasonable places to draw a line when it comes to open adoption? After all you can have the best of intentions, truly work hard for a positive, open relationship, but as with any relationship the other party also has to pony-up to their responsibility in it. Sometimes they don’t.

I think the key is while being “open” to openness you must have the fortitude to understand that openness is not always with-in your power. This is a heady idea when you consider that most people believe that ALL the power in an open adoption lies with the adoptive parents. That is not always so. Birthparents make choices that sometimes bring about the closing of a much desired open arrangement. As a parent you need to have the ability and the strength to draw that line when things become disruptive. Remember we are also teaching our children about limits and responsibility. If some (not all) of our children’s birthparents had been able to learn and put into action this responsibility they may in fact be parenting. If you are parenting a child who was placed for similar reasons you don’t want them to repeat the history. That is NOT to say that we don’t have compassion or empathy, but neither do we sit next to a heroin addict and bounce a baby on our knee while the child watches her shoot up. It’s preposterous, and more than just a bit co-dependent.

Going into adoption I too would encourage people to seek openness, actively promote it, nurture it. If a day comes (and it may) when things reach an impasse and being open is no longer helpful to the child, it still is your job as parents to filter and sometimes prohibit contact. This might not be a popular idea with some, it’s not ideal, but it is reality.


Continued in Part Two- Profile of a family who have had to close an open adoption