When most families are expecting a new baby, they have the benefit of family history. With this comes a bit of an idea concerning possible personality, among other things, about their coming child. Of course even biological relatives can vary greatly in personality, but the likelihood of a good family “fit” is not as extreme as it can be when a child comes through adoption.

When a child joins a family through adoption, a predictable roadmap of disposition is no longer even a slight given for the expectant family. The child they welcome could have a similar personality to the adoptive parents, or as sometimes does occur, could be so different that it is not a good or comfortable fit for the family. So what does an adoptive family do to try and find themselves matched with the child who will best benefit from their family’s personality and temperament and gifts? It truly is hard to know when you are in fact expecting the unexpected.

Some of the ideas about finding compatibility in adoption are not accepted by everyone, some are not even possible in some situations. As adopting parents though we must find ourselves open to exploring the idea, and attempting to find as compatible placement as possible. This does not mean limiting yourself in regard to race, color, or culture, but instead trying to understand the background of the child you may be adopting, and how this child will transition into your lifestyle.

Knowing what to expect, as much as is possible, is important. One of the first things that may be helpful is getting to know birthfamily before placement. By meeting and learning about each other it will be easier to see if the child will be in a place that is comfortable and accepting of their natural givens. If the personalities of those involved do not “click” then that may be a sign a future open adoption relationship may be more difficult than first imagined. If meeting birthfamily, as in an international placement, is not possible, perhaps spending the additional time with foster parents, or caretakers will provide a family with insight to the child’s needs and personality.

Next an adopting family needs to honestly know their limits. If it is found beforehand that a child could have disabilities or possible issues that the adopting family truly feel unable to support, then this could be a signal this may not be an ideal placement. Knowing the information a family might also be then able to reevaluate what their abilities are, and decide they are able to accept the additional challenges with this particular child. In addition if a birthmother senses a family is not supportive of her ideas about what her child might need, then she can better gage if this might not be a good match for herself and her child. Knowing as much as possible before placement, and honestly assessing your ability to meet those specific needs is key.

Building a level of initial trust with those involved should be a priority. People who will be involved on all sides of an adoption should begin to build those bridges of trust before the child enters the adoptive home if possible. When everyone feels some level of trust and comfort early on, being more honest about the desires and needs of all will help the child find the best possible situation.

In review. . .

* Knowing what to expect, as much as is possible, is important.

* Next an adopting family needs to honestly know their limits.

* Building a level of initial trust with those involved should be a priority.

When in the process of adopting it is easy to be excited about a possible new addition. Once a family has welcomed home a new child it can be tragic to find that they do not adjust well, or have extreme issues that the adoptive family might not be able to handle. Knowing as much as you can about the situation and as much as one possibly can about the child you might be adopting is essential to making a solid placement and a happy family through adoption.

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