As the Christmas holidays are drawing closer, I find myself thinking of what I will get Charlie for Christmas this year. Each year, when I talk to A. on Thanksgiving I ask her what Charlie and N want for Christmas. I make notes and I look for the things they have on their “want list”. I usually get them each a couple of small things and then of course, the ornament I give them each year which has become a tradition.

This year, I find myself wanting to buy so much stuff for Charlie. I see things everywhere that remind me of him and that are things that A. mentioned he wanted or needed. In fact, I haven’t bought him a thing yet because I have seen so much stuff everywhere and I haven’t’ been able to mentally choose just a few things yet. I keep having to stop and talk myself out of going overboard.

I find myself in a dilemma that I haven’t faced before. How much is too much? How much can a birthmother buy for her child without stepping on the toes of the adoptive parents? Because Charlie’s sister’s birthmother isn’t very involved, I try to make what I buy Charlie and N “even” so to speak. I don’t want to go overboard on him and make her feel less important, but I’m not having this dilemma with her gifts. I know exactly what I want to get her.

So then I thought about asking A if I could buy some things and give them to her without Charlie knowing and she could put them out as part of what Santa Claus brings him but then that might really be overstepping boundaries.

We did discuss gifts briefly before Charlie was born. I mentioned I’d like to give Charlie birthday and Christmas gifts and A. said “of course” and that was all that was said on the matter.

Then I keep wondering why am I having this problem this year and never felt these feelings or had these issues in the past? Do I subconsciously want him to buy him more because of my guilty feelings I feel over his adoptive parents splitting up?

I’m trying to get in the holiday spirit but all the feelings I’m feeling as I try to buy gifts for Charlie this year certainly are not making it easy!

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