I have been thinking a lot lately about how it really feels to be an adoptive mother in an open adoption. I am currently party to three of them, so some days it can get quite intense.

Most days I feel happy. I am happy my kids are a part of my life and glad that I can help them stay connected to their roots. I like seeing the ways they resemble their birthfamily and ways they also take after myself or my husband.

Occasionally I feel sad. I feel sad that I did not carry and bring these children into the world. If I had, they would be someone else though and not the little people I love, so I don’t dwell.

Sometimes I feel frustrated. I get upset with things that are struggles. It can be hard, trying to keep birthparents involved. I am constantly feeling compelled to educate people about open adoption who don’t seem to get it. Finding the right ways to explain things to my children can be difficult too.

Often I am angry. I don’t want to be, but when confronted with people who say rude things about open adoption, it bugs me. I also have my limits on how far I will go with people who live in the far extremes of adoption feeling. I don’t see it as all bad or all good. Beating me over the head with your personal take is just going to make me mad.

Many times I have felt proud. When my children were on the cover of Adoptive Families magazine, when we told our story on Lifetime, when people just comment on what a beautiful family I have, I pop a few dozen buttons. It makes me feel proud about the unique way our family came together.

Mostly I feel hopeful. The blessing of becoming a family by way of adoption really makes you stop to consider how what you do on a daily basis affects the world. With my children I hold hope of great things for their future. I hope that the things I can do for them will make a difference. I know that their first families love them and would have raised them with care too, but differently. The difference is not better or worse than it may have been, but hopefully the journey will be rewarding for us all.