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No I am not a birthparent. I never found myself facing the difficult decision of placing a child with another family for adoption, but I have found myself on the side of adoption loss, and unfortunatly more than once in my life. For me there was no decision afforded me, no choice in the matter, so I really do empathize with birthparents who have relinquished feeling like they had no control, I really do.
You see I am a birthfamily member, an Aunt to several children of my middle brother, all placed in closed adoptions. As awful as it is for a birthparent to lose a child, I can tell you from experience that it also is on some level for their extended family. In my own case imagine not one, not two, not even three times and you can only begin to know something of what I must grapple with. In the midst of my own infertility and longing for a baby so much, and here was my own brother letting them go right and left.
The oldest of these placed nieces and nephews is now 18, and although I have lived near her all along, and observed her growing from a distance, I was never welcomed to be an ongoing part of her life. I have three pictures taken with myself and my mother, her grandmother, holding her as a tiny baby, on our one and only visit. At that time her family requested we have no other contact, and we have respected their wishes.
Her adoptive family knew me well. Her uncle by way of adoption was a good friend of mine in high school, he later became a minister and even was the clergyman who married myself and my husband. They knew me, appeared to even like me, yet I was not to be included in the framework of my niece’s childhood. I admit that has hurt. Only recently I learned something that hurt even more. My niece, the one I was never allowed to know, was never allowed to know about me either.
My brother called the other day to let me know he had received some information about his birth daughter. She is by all accounts happy, engaged to a nice young man, and due with a first baby of her own soon. The other news was that he learned she had never been told she was adopted. Her family asked (yet again) that we remain undisclosed, so not to upset her pregnancy, but somehow this feels like a stall tactic that I am just beginning to feel angry about. After 18 years, I am finally allowing myself to feel angry. I can tell you after waiting for years for the day I could re-introduce myself to my niece, this was not the kind of news that I wanted to hear.
No I will not stay angry for long, that’s just not my way. Perhaps they will even come to change their minds about telling her of her adoption? I know they are her family, and I do not wish to take anything away from their relationship, I suppose I have just wanted to be able to experience getting to know her myself.
When birthparents talk, I do not always understand exactly what they are expressing, but not everything is lost on me. I have had my own brush with that type of loss, and I continue to revisit that loss every now and again.
Living In The Shadows Of Adoption Loss
Photo- Unnecessary Loss by Floyd Wanner
Grrrr! Not telling someone that they are adopted is so cowardly. Watching your brother’s children be adopted out had to rip you up. How horrible for you!
Wow. This is just mind-boggling in this day and age.
This has had to be hard on you. I’m so sorry.
Deb, I appreciate your sharing of this difficult experience. Thank you.
Oh, Deb, how awful. Your poor neice….I would be shattered to find out at that age I was adopted. Your whole life lived with a belief that is not stretched, if not shattered. That is tough and my heart and my prayers go out to both of you. Best of luck!!
I agree with Jan! It’s going to be difficult on her when she finds out the truth.
I sometimes think that as birth parents we overlook the pain and loss that other family members may feel. I know I didn’t think about it prior to making an adoption plan.