Today is his 3rd birthday. It has been quiet today other then the sniffling and sneezing that has accompanied this ‘wonderful’ cold. The weather is dreary, and I hear a crow cawing. Aren’t they supposed to go south or something?
Anyways, my head is all over the place today but my heart is generally at peace, despite not having seen him this year. I am ok with that, and kinda grateful to have a year that hasn’t sent me into a complete depression.
That is not saying that i will not cry, or have a moment when 3:30pm rolls around, or doesn’t mean I won’t feel a little sad, because it is ok.
It is alright to grieve. It is ok to allow those feelings passage in my heart because they are part of my experience.
How do I honor the day that changed my world? How do I show how much it means to me?
There is this movie, “What Dreams May Come” with Robin Williams; the whole movie is steeped in death. Their kids die, he dies, she commits suicide..but before he dies, they have an anniversary of sorts to commemorate their loss.
I don’t want to go away, but I want to stay right here. Maybe I will buy myself something I don’t necessarily need or deserve.
I think I will do something though and whatever it is I will do it with the loving kindness and peace of mind I am currently in. There is no better place to be than home, no better place to understand then your heart.
Today my heart beats for Phoenix, and honors his life and what it has meant to me. To quote a friend, I would go to hell armed only with a squirt gun for him.
I think I understand now more then ever how much love can change a person’s life.
When I spoke with Tara the other day, we talked about his love of cookies, and how creative he is. She told me about his cake he will be getting today, which was a dragon cake by the way. I am so happy to be a part of their lives in a healthy relationship with them.
I love hearing about his spunk, his way of being. I love how perfect he fits into his family.
Love changes everything. Love makes a way when there was none. Love writes it’s own story when you think that you are done. Love makes possible what you didn’t think…
I love you Phoenix. Happy 3rd birthday to you!