Two years ago today our baby, Darcy, became an angel. It’s a hard day filled with immense grief.

Sometimes people compare relinquishing a child to adoption to the death of a child. Having experienced both, I see the similarities and the differences. If nothing else, dealing with the grief of becoming a birthmother has helped me deal with the grief in loosing Darcy. It’s odd but becoming a birthmother in some ways prepared me for this unforeseen loss.

I had expected Charlie’s first birthday to be difficult but I was naïve in thinking that his birthdays would get easier as time wore on. I really did think that until the second birthday rolled around and it was just as hard and then his third birthday rolled around and it likewise was just as difficult, and so on.

Now I have learned that each birthday will be hard so I’m prepared to deal with it. I don’t know if being prepared makes it any easier or not but at least I (and yes I am a control freak) feel more in control knowing that it is coming. I know that the day will be a hard one and I can try to prepare for it by having my hubby emotionally on call that day, not planning a lot of activities that day, and just taking some “me” time knowing that I will need it.

For a brief moment, last year when the one year anniversary of Darcy’s death was over, I thought well next year won’t be so bad. And then I remembered my naïve thinking along the same lines regarding Charlie’s birthday and I realized that it’s not ever going to get easier, but at least I know when it’s coming and I can try and prepare myself for it.

So dealing with Charlie’s birthday has helped me realize that for the rest of my life, each June 21st, I will grieve the loss of my angel baby.


Photo by Coley--
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