At some point in our lives, we all grieve something, some kind of loss, whether it be the loss of a person or the loss of a situation. In adoption, birthmothers grieve the loss of their child and the loss of their motherhood.

Granted, open adoption does make things easier in some ways as we get to see our child and know that he or she is happy but there is still never ending, unresolved, circular grief to deal with in regards to being a birthmother.

Grieving is healthy so let yourself do it. You may find it helpful (or at least it was helpful for me) to learn about the stages of grief and the grieving process. It helped me know that what I was experiencing was normal.

There are various stages to grief. You may be in one stage for weeks at a time and you may fly through another stage. And since adoption grief is circular grief (meaning it is repetitive grief over time) you will experience some stages more than once.

Denial and Disbelief – These feelings temporarily protect you from the reality of your loss and what is going on in your life. You may not want to deal with the situation at hand and will push the feelings aside in order to avoid dealing with them. You try to pretend it never happened.

Confusion and Shock – Everything seems surreal. You ask yourself, “Is this really happening to me?” You may be forgetful and might begin to wonder if you are crazy, but you are not! You may be over tired physically and worn out emotionally. You may have dreams about your loss.
Sadness and Humiliation – You are depressed and even embarrassed about your situation. You have hit rock bottom. You may feel spiritually empty. Your energy is drained and you can easily feel worn out from daily chores.

Despair and Guilt – You question your daily decisions and feel guilty. You may feel “joy guilt” which is guilt with yourself for having happy moments or enjoying activities.

Anger and Frustration – You are angry in general. Your anger may be directed towards yourself, God, family, friends, etc…You may play the “what if” game wondering if things were different. You are frustrated with people and may feel hurt by people who do not seem understanding.

Balance and Transformation - This is the stage that everyone who grieves hopes to eventually wind up in. You began to regain some balance and control in your life. You of course, still have bad days and sad moments, but they are becoming less frequent. You try to make some sense of all that has happened.


--
Related Resources:
Grieving: Natural, Normal, and Necessary

Source