One of the first things that prompted me to think about open adoption, was an intense feeling of respect and compassion for the birthparents of my future children. I wanted to understand what their situation was, and be open to learning about their love for the children I might be fortunate enough to welcome as my own.

Being a birthfamily member myself, an aunt to several children placed in closed adoptions, I also had an understanding of what it felt like to be set aside and discounted to some extent. I did not want to impose that feeling on another person unfairly. If there was any way that keeping in contact through an open adoption would be possible, I wanted to explore the option. I wanted to find out for myself the kind of people my children’s birthparents really were, and make the decision about ongoing contact based on what I learned, and not some hypothetical perception of them.

I also have been very fortunate to have friends who are birthparents. These people are loving and caring people and they helped me to understand that all to often the perceptions about birthparents can be unkind, and untrue. Through my own birthfamily experience, and with the insight of birthparents I knew, I grew to believe that a great possibility existed for my own family to connect, not just to our future adopted child, but also with their first family.

The whole basis of compassion, is to hold a empathy and concern for someone else. To consider treating them in a manner that you would like to be treated as well. I know over the years If I had received just one photo or letter from the adoptive parents of my nieces and nephews, I would have felt as if they acknowledged my loss, and on some level had some compassion for it. Sadly those photos never came. I wanted to do better for my future children.

And then they arrived.

With the welcoming of each of my children, looking at their wonderful little faces, and feeling a tidal wave of love for them rush me, I knew that I had to try. I needed to make the connection with their birthparents, even if eventually openness would not be possible. I wanted to extend the love and compassion to these people, that I felt for the child they had entrusted to me through adoption.

Sadly not every situation has worked as I had initially hoped, but I have not one regret for trying. To me part of the journey of coming together with my children has been learning about the people they came from. Approaching their birthparents with compassion has helped me to feel even more connected to my children than I had imagined.

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