I was reading the open adoption forums, something I seldom have any time for, and I ran across an older thread that reawakened some difficult feelings that I too often experience as a mother involved with three open adoptions.

This mother was talking about the feelings of insecurity and perhaps jealousy she sometimes faces in her open adoption. Sometimes hearing her child’s birthparents talk about “their” daughter made her feel that disconnect that we as adoptive parents can be all too familiar with. The fact is we share the parent role (in some ways) concerning our children with their birthparents, but that is not always something that is easy to accept, and still feel 100% secure in the part we play.

I could definitely empathize with this adoptive mom. I know that I still often feel bad about having those feelings of insecurity over my role as mother to my children. Perhaps it is because I am not their only mom. I know that I want to be the only mother. My motherhood is something that I never intended to share, but then I am sure neither did their birthmothers. A part of me does , and probably always will, secretly desire that for one moment in time, I could be the only mom. I also still find myself wishing at times that adoption itself had no part in my connection to my cherished children. Is that so bad?.

Just like this mom who commented about her insecurity on the forum, this does not mean I care any less about the birthparents of my children. It can make me feel badly for in essence wishing that I did not have to share my children with them, and at the same time knowing that I should be grateful to these same people for the opportunity. As your love and connection to your child grows, your heart can slip and forget that this beautiful little person came from another mother and father who loved them first.

The good news was that, although this adoptive mother fully expected to be judged for sharing her momentary pangs of insecurity over the complicated connections in open adoption, no one gave her anything but comforting words. To feel insecure and a bit jealous about the fact that we are not, and will not ever be our children’s only parents appears to be normal, and thankfully forgivable too.

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