I know that many discussions have occurred online about family preservation. The main feeling behind this is terminology that no child should be separated from their family of origin if they can be safely be cared for there, and whose parent (or parents) wish to raise them. I can’t argue with that belief under that context. If parents what to parent, and there is no evidence that a child might be abused or neglected, he or she should not be placed for adoption. No one who is capable, and not at risk to be abusive, should be forced to place a child. I think most understand this meaning, and support it on some level. I would like to share another feeling about the meaning of family preservation however.

For my own family, formed after adoption, family preservation has come to signify an understanding that it is OK to put our own nuclear family first. With all the complexities that open adoption can bring, I see too often that other families, like my own, forget that we are the “everyday” family for our children. Often adoptive parents become so anxious and involved with seeing that birth connections are maintained, and that children are benefitting, we forget that WE also represent a family that deserves respect and preservation. Families formed by adoption also need to remember to put our own family first at times, and “preserve” our own relationship with our children we welcomed through adoption.

One of the main reasons our family is on an extended vacation right now (yup, still in Branson today) is because we found ourselves consistently putting aside our desires for our family to see that birthfamily wishes came first and were the priority. Our daughter Cierra turned 5 yesterday, and this is the first year we have not had all our arrangements flow around her birthfamily and how they wanted her big day to be. In the midst of trying to honor them and show Cierra how important they are to her, we forgot about us and our own family’s needs. Cierra’s therapist also seems to feel that our putting our own family last, has in fact created some of the attachment issues she suffers from. Our decision not to be home at this time was not a popular one with her birthfamily, but my husband and I decided that doing the things that are best for our family unit is also important.



Using the term “family preservation” makes sense to me in our situation. As much as we want open adoption to be beneficial to our children, we have to remember that we are also now their family, and we should respect and honor our own importance to our children. Putting too much weight and worry into the desires of the birthfamily can leave adoptive families strained and anxious about the relationship. Not a good environment to be raising our children in.

I think part of this can come about if adoptive parents subconsciously find themselves (as we did) attempting to over compensate for the loss of the child to the birthfamily. Even by always putting the wishes of your child’s birthfamily before those of your own family, adoptive parents are not going to remove the feelings of loss for the birthfamily. The truth is adoptive parents will only be creating more angst and frustration with in their own family. Adoptive parents will eventually begin to feel resentful about never seeing their own ideas and desires for their family realized.

One loss that birthfamily must face is the loss of the daily parenting of the child. Adoptive parents who consistently step aside to allow birthfamily wishes to take priority, are not taking away any of that pain for birthfamily, and in that process they are missing the chances to bond as a nuclear family. When a family is formed by adoption, family preservation does become a goal for those families, in a truly dual sense of the term. Adoptive parents walk a fine balance between maintaining and treating their child’s birthfamily relationship with respect, and also nurturing and treating their own family with respect. While preserving connections with birthfamily, it is equally as important to remember to nurture and preserve connections with in the family formed by adoption.

*Sorry for the absence of any links. For some strange reason my software is not allowing them right now. I will attempt to fix this upon my return from vacationland. For now try reading the "Fourth of July" posts by my co-blogger Coley. They are great and really speak to the loss that birthparents go through during holidays and missed parenting events.

Photos- Copyright Deb Donatti 2007