While talking to our kids about their adoption experience can be a time to connect and discover how their little minds are processing things, there can also be some tough stuff in adoption we will need to explain as well.

Explaining some difficult things that perhaps led up to an adoptive placement is one example. Knowing how to speak to your child about situations that were at play in their birthparent’s life that precipitated an adoption is hard and needs to be addressed with care for how the explanations will effect the child’s self esteem. Telling the truth, but in a way that disagrees with actions while it does not reflect judgement on the person involved is a good way to go about this. If your child’s birthmother commits a crime and becomes incarcerated I believe that it is ok to tell you child on an age appropriate level. It is important however to explain that the birthparent may not be a “bad person”, it is the “bad choice” that they made that has caused them to be in that situation. This may be harder to do when a child has been removed due to abuse or neglect, but I truly believe that everyone can at the very least share with their child the positive that their birthparents choose to bring them into the world, even if there is little else to say.

When a birthparent decides not to participate in visits, makes some poor life choices, or expresses some extreme behaviors ( like abuse, neglect, or constant conflict with the adoptive family) after an adoption it can also be challenging to explain. Again remaining honest about what has happened in my opinion is the best policy. Sometimes if a child is older you might talk together about why their birthparent might have made such a choice and how bad they might be feeling about what they have done. For example if birthmom is no longer choosing to visit your child together you might discuss why she might be feeling this way, what might possibly making visits hard for her at this time. Perhaps visits are emotional and just too hard? Perhaps she has moved father away or has more obligations in her life that make visit harder for her? Sometimes discussing hypothetical ideas about why something is going wrong in an adoption, especially when we have no clear answer, can help to process it because your child can see the reasons that could possibly bring this about.

Talking about the tough stuff in adoption is never an adoptive parent’s favorite thing to do, but it is something that will come up and we should consider how to best be prepared. Being honest with our children about the difficult information is never easy but in the long run sharing the truth with our children will help them process it in positives ways and in turn feel better about themselves and their place in the world as adoptees.