Yesterday was not a good day.

I wish I could say that it was an uncommon occurrence, unfortunately, for my family this seems to be the norm. What was going wrong? Well for those who might not know I will share that my middle child, who is 4, has a lot of behavior issues going on. Yesterday I had trouble dealing with them in a productive manner. As has become the result too often when she acts out I am left feeling emotionally drained, bankrupt if you will. Not a good feeling. Today I dropped my daughter off at school with a note pinned to her backpack about attending after school care, and I fled with my son. This was the first time I did not even walk her to her class and kiss her goodbye, her older sister did.

My daughter seems to live in what I term as a state of “high anxiety” 24-7. Believe me some of her days could turn Mother Theresa into a cussing sailor ( if she were not already dead that is). Yesterday her behavior was just non stop. The kid had two baths because after the first she smeared lotion and body wash in her dried, very long, hair. She stole a few things (the norm), lied non stop, terrorized the dog till it almost bit her, again, and ran around breaking and tearing up other family member’s stuff all day. Once her older sister got home she stole something of hers, lied about that and then began kicking and punching her when her sister had calmly confronted her about it. I lost my cool when she chased her little brother crying to his room and then began kicking in the door he closed in her face to protect himself.

Now I suppose I will hear tons about how I must be a bad mom, but before you all get going you need to have a look at a few of Nancy Spoolstra’s posts in the RAD blog. Yes my kid has been to therapy, she has RAD issues, and no it is not easy (or completely MY fault). I wish I could pin this on just one thing, but I think it is a crazy combination of stuff that makes my 4 yr old so difficult. She really wants to be good, a lot of the time anyway, it just does not come natural to her to go about it the way you or I do I guess. I wonder that the mental health issues her birthmother possessed, coupled along with the substance abuse (denied of course) during her pregnancy, the detached and stress filled gestation and the eventual adoptive placement have all worked together to make this child live her daily life with the fight or flight zone as her cozy place.

I will also own up to my part in the sad saga, I do not handle her out of control mode well. Why? Well maybe because as an abused child I spent a good part of my formative years living in the same low rent district (brain wise) as my daughter now does. I remember craving the rush of brain chemicals that anger and frustration could provide, even though I honestly did not want to be unhappy, sad or mad. How did I resolve my own issues? Well my peaceful husband reconditioned my brain for a time to live in the quiet place with him and taught me that it was ok not to rage or vent.

Since becoming a parent to this child however my old ways are rising up when she acts out it that same, all too familiar way. I am struggling today to find my “happy place” again. I love my daughter, and I am sure she is better off here than she would have been where she was born. At the very least I can SEE and ACKNOWLEDGE that we have some major work to do here, while I am certain (from experience) that her birthfamily , although well meaning would not. So I am taking a little break to regroup right now, and will be ready to hug her extra hard when she gets home today. I am her Mom and that is going to be stable, solid and irreversible. I just hope that it will be enough.

Prayers for retention of my sanity are always appreciated!