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In my last post, I talked about “the post visit blues,” the nickname I have given to the overwhelming feelings of sadness that some birthmothers may experience after a visit with their child. I generally feel sadness and “let down” after a visit but this particular time it’s more intense and lasting longer than usual. Since I have been dealing with this for six years now, I have come up with some methods of coping that work for me.
1. Acknowledge the feelings. It’s important that I acknowledge the feelings I am experiencing and allow myself to feel them. I have learned the hard way that if I don’t acknowledge the feelings now it will only hurt me more in the long run.
2. Write a letter. A few days after a visit, I always write a letter to Charlie. I tell him how much the visit meant to me, I recap things that went on during the visit, and I include pictures from the visit.
3. Scrapbook. I actually haven’t done this in one in awhile, but am already sketching out layouts from this visit in my head. Scrapbooking our time together makes me feel good and gives me an easy way to look back at good memories when I want to.
4. Journal. I recap the visit for myself in my journal writing down what we did, things Charlie said, etc. Then as I feel sadness over the next few days, I write about those feelings.
5. Try not to isolate myself. This is the one I personally struggle with. When I am dealing with my emotions after a visit and feeling down, I tend to want to be myself, turn off my phone, etc. While this can be good for me for a little bit, it also could quickly become unhealthy so I usually have to force myself not to hide out.
6. Talk with other birthmothers. No one quite understands what I am feeling besides other birthmothers so when I am dealing with sadness after a visit, I turn to my birthmother friends for support and understanding.
I should also add that although I do not see an adoption counselor or therapist, if you do, you may find it helpful to schedule an appointment after your visit.
In my next post, I’ll share some ways that other birthmothers get through the period of sadness after a visit.
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Related Posts:
Visits Category
I wish that my birthmother was still alive to read your post, as I know she would have felt supported. It’s so bitter sweet, the highs of being connected and the lows of being separated for all those years – it is so heart breaking for all involved, and it’s so joyous and amazing at the same time. When my birth mother died, I can’t tell you the hole it left in my heart. We had 6 years and 7 birthdays together. It was a lifetime in 6 years. I feel very grateful for this time together and also very robbed.
I also wanted to share with you that myself and another adoptee have created adoption greeting cards.
We are passionate about what we do, and we do it because there is a lack of greeting cards for people like us. The words and images are powerfully and emotionally evocative, and have been created with the combined input by adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, extended family and friends.
Our cards touch on many aspects of the adoption journey, being from the highlights of searching, the joy of connecting with significant others, the firsts, birthdays, and also the more complicated issues of expressing feelings that may otherwise not be expressed.
In our research, we found that birthmothers didn’t realize that adoptees want to know certain things like “they were wanted”, and that they have been terribly missed. We found that regardless of whether you are a birth parent, adoptive parent or adoptee – each person has their position, that is filled with intense emotion. We want to acknowledge all involved including immediate and extended family and friends, as the decision to relinquish or the decision to adopt affects all.
We come with a positive outlook celebrating the joy that one can have with these experiences and we also acknowledge the difficulties faced with the journey of search and reunion.
I’m only new to this blog today, and have not read through the site to see the ruling on posting my website address that showcases our cards. I really would appreciate it if you had some time to look at the site, as I support what you are doing and believe it is important, and hope that you may support what we are doing too. The site is called “reunite cards” – If you search through Google, I’m sure it will come up, or if you would like the direct site address, please let me know. Thank you for doing something positive for others – it really does make a difference!