Jenna at the Birthparent blog had a good post today in response to a reader’s question about contact and communication. Her reader wanted some suggestions about keeping contact flowing, and also wondered who most often initiates contact, and how both sides usually feel about the level of communication. As usual, Jenna gave some awesome answers and advice.

I admit communication glitches have been some of the more difficult issues in all of my children’s adoptions. Who we see, where and when, who calls whom first, these are all things that have provided more than a bit of frustration from time to time. Even if you have agreements about the who, when, and where of the situation, as Jenna noted, everyday life sooner or later creeps in and makes the ebb and flow of an open adoption relationship challenging.

For a time, early on with each of the kids, we saw quite a bit of their birthfamilies. I noticed as the children got older, as we added other children, or similar events occurred in the lives of their birthfamilies, the contact slowed or came to a stand still. For me those particular times have created the most stress and strain. After being so involved with a child’s birthfamily for the first few years, to have the contact suddenly, seemingly bottom out was disappointing.

I believe part of the stress surrounding these lulls was definitely in feeling as if our family were the ones doing all the contacting. After years of very frequent contact, I suppose we expected birthfamily to begin to initiate more often. As they had gotten to know us, they should have begun to feel more freedom and comfort in calling or coming by when they liked right? Well they didn’t, and as a result things crawled to a halt. They were waiting for us to call or come by, not wanting to impose on our family, while we sat wondering if they had just become so frustrated and disenchanted with us, that they were avoiding get togethers and calls.

Sometimes birthfamily members expressed how the type or level of our initiating contact was leaving them feeling frustrated. Often the neglected contact was something I did not even realize was important to them, or something we had never thought about prior to it happening. I recall one year when we heard from our middle daughter’s birthfamily because they were upset that we had failed to invite and include them in the other two children’s birthday celebrations that year. Honestly I only had thought to invite the birthfamily of the celebrating child, and had not intended it to be a slight to the other kids birthfamilies. Unknown to me they saw it otherwise. In the end they were not happy with our decision (that each child was entitled to their own birthday as a private celebration with their own birthfamily) but they learned to accept.

What I think I have learned from this is that it is impossible to predict every issue that will arise concerning contact, but talking about things that bother you as they come up is a must. When a child is small there may be a lot of visits and communication going on, and as time goes on and things grow and change, adjustments need to be made by all. At the time my middle child’s birthfamily was upset about missing our other children’s birthday parties, they also began avoiding dropping by and calling as much they once did. When that was addressed we were able to make it clear that coming by, calling, and communication would remain a two way street. They needed to take the responsibility to remain active, and to also let us know when things did not feel right. We are responsible to do the same.

I am sure with each passing year there will be still more things we will discover about our open adoption relationships. Our family is a work in progress. Eventually though I hope our grown children will remember a model of cooperation and mutual respect from both of their families working together.

Openness Is A Two Way Street

Trust - Does It Grow Overnight?

Communication - A Walk In The Park?

Open Adoption - Prepare To Be Unprepared


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