My five year old and I have a relationship all right, but it is not what I wanted or dreamed of for us. I see other parents talking of the lost connection to a child who pushes buttons rather than answers the door, and I get, I really do. It hurts me to see other people, like Nancy from the attachment blog, unfairly criticized for things, she may have long beat her head against a wall, in hope of changing. If simply pointing an accusing finger at mom or dad were a solution, all our dysfunctional world would be long healed by now.

Instead of the normal dance of attachment, the loving relationship I longed for, my daughter and I have somehow found ourselves in a precarious, negative, condition and response interaction. She feels insecure, for a variety of reasons, non of which are truly her fault (or mine), and she tends to direct that daily hostility at me. As I result, I become defensive, it is hard to do otherwise when you are consistently lashed out at. I understand she is a child, but somewhere from way down inside of me, the wounded child that I once was comes out at these times too. Her constant state of high anxiety has conditioned me to respond apathetic. I hate it, but it happened.

I admit I have over time been conditioned into a response toward this child that I am often not proud of. I find it hard, very hard , to feel loving and companionate to someone who would just as soon bite my nose off in a screaming fit, than allow me to comfort her and help her calm down. Does that make me a freak in the parenting world? I doubt that. I totally agree with Nancy, and understand where she is coming from. It is unbelievably hard to feel compassion toward someone who fights you over it every step of the way. Some of the worst part of hearing what others like Nancy, Kelly, Julie, might have to say, is that it might not ever change.

The real challenge for us is to love the unlovable, to respond with care and concern where most normal people would not blame us for being cold and remote. I think most of those people I spoke of ARE trying, I know that I am. I am working against a lot of other influences though, as are all parents in similar situations. We can’t change our children’s DNA, their hardwiring. We do not have the power to travel back in time and alter how they grew in the womb, how they were parented, or not parented in their early formative years. We have a ton of baggage to sift through, sort out, and process. It is so much harder to do that when these children will not allow us close enough to see what is inside the suitcase.

Yes I have become conditioned to respond a certain way, I am human. Thing is I have to recondition myself, AND my uncooperative child. A mountain of a task, but I am still trying. I refuse to accept anyone telling me that I don’t love my daughter, I DO! That is the whole reason I come back every day to the prospect that this might never change, my love for her. This may always be our relationship (or lack there of), I may have to accept that. I will however always hold out a scrap of hope that somewhere my little girl has a crack in her armor, and I will find it someday.

Adoptive Parenting, RAD, And The ‘Little Missed’ Moments

Little Miss Antagonist

Adopt Her Out Of Trouble Mom

Photo- Me at 7 months old