If you have not figured this out by now, open adoption is not walk in the park, almost nothing about adoption is. When I think of the positives, they are a ton of work to get to, but it IS worth the effort. Hopefully by working hard to get there together our children will be the best they can be. Even when birthfamily and adoptive family are active and involved there are times that when conflict and our emotions get the better of us. For myself there have been many things recently that are making all three of our open adoptions relationships challenging. New babies, new troubles, moves, anger and misunderstandings are among the least of these. During times like this I certainly find myself looking for ways to cope, to process and to return things to something easy and comfortable again.

One of the first things I have to remember is to stay calm and remember your focus. I might not like what is going on but it is my job to process any new challenges without allowing my emotions to rule my reactions.

Staying clear on what is “do-able” for you, in a non judgmental way is a plus as well. I know that some of the issues right now with in my children’s birthfamilies are causing them turmoil, so how they are responding to me is also tempered by that. I have to be clear about respect if I find something negatively directed at my family, but also remember that taking it personally might just be a knee-jerk reaction and not what they intended.

Taking a break from communication, or changing the way you communicate for a time might help to get past a rough time. Usually we visit in person and call often with my four year old’s birthfamily, but because of a lot of stressful recent events we are only emailing each other until we can set up a time to have the adults meet in person to discuss things.

During a particularly difficult time it might even be helpful to send a little something to the involved party to assure them that although you are having problems you are also keeping in mind the good times. When our daughter’s birthmother left her family we were devastated but we put together an extra box of photos and little items for her family and baby brother and mailed them so they would know we were thinking of them

No matter the trouble it is always worth trying to resolve it positively. That might not always be possible, but at least you can feel confident you tried. Maintaining an open adoption is about the ups and downs of life, just like any family relationship is. Keep focused on the rewards and looking back the troubles will fade and seem less and less important.

Photo- Jack Hollingsworth