Fellow blogger Jenna wrote a really great series about her “coming out of the closet” so to speak as a birthmother. It makes sense that presenting yourself in this little understood light can be difficult and you would expect to be unfairly judged and scrutinized. I am really glad she shared that aspect of her situation. I as well as a few others were surprised to learn that she was not always so open because she presents such a strong voice online. I guess we all assumed because of that she had always been so vocal and in all areas. Another story that she shared also had me thinking about my early days as a new adoptive mom and my own sort of sharing process. How different things are today for me from those early days.

No, I was not always “out” as an adoptive mom.

Being a birthmother, caries a lot of unfair stigma, even in todays society. Somehow I never expected people to also have a similar negative take on being an adoptive mom, but as I found out they certainly do. I saw my path to parenthood as a mostly joyful experience (for me) and I highly assumed others would as well. I was wrong.

When my first child came along, although we certainly did not look similar, not many people assumed that we had adopted her. Of course being in the throes of newly minted adoptive mommy-hood, I was extremely excited to tell, tell, tell. Sometimes the reaction I received was not so kind and quickly I learned to feel out a situation or a new person before sharing. Sometimes the comments made to me were also of a negative nature about her birthmother. Once a lady in a photo studio after having me haphazardly share that we had adopted asked, “Well who in her right mind would give away such a beautiful baby?” I had prepared myself for that in a way and had a few snappy come backs like, “Adoption is not a beauty contest!” Needless to say I started casing the situation before I opened my mouth.

The thing is I had not yet prepared myself for what people would say about ME. They were assuming that since I shared my route to parenthood, they now had a free ticket to tell me what was wrong with me. I had to pull back and rethink my sharing.

One day at the local gas station a cashier who had always been friendly before, found me out when I finally felt comfortable enough to finally share with her. She seemed safe. I think her shocked and then hateful response was the wake up call for me. “Well that’s SUPER for YOU,” she screamed (literally), “but nobody else is happy with what you’ve done! You should be ashamed of yourself, and go give that baby back!” I do not think I have ever wanted to suck my sharing back in so badly as I did at that moment! I don’t get gas there anymore, by the way.

So I went into the closet for a time. When my second child arrived she looked so much like her older sister, both their birthfamilies shared this with me in awe. I had not even noticed. I did share with the adoption community my status, and with my family and close friends, but I steered away from my earlier public proclamations. When people commented on my daughters, or said how they took after me or my husband I just clammed up and answered “Yup.” It truly made me sad that I could not share more often. I think there a lot of positives about adoption and I wanted to help to also dispel the negatives, but the risk felt like too much most days.

Then along came Carson.

Continued in part Two