I love to decorate for the holidays and have even enjoyed coming up with some holiday themed posts for my blogs. Christmas has become my favorite holiday. I don’t mind the shopping and I like coming up with creative and home made gifts for people. I like baking yummy cookies and foods to share with family friends. It may appear that all is well with me during the holidays.

But, Christmas isn’t always easy….

Five years ago, I realized that Christmas would never be exactly the same again. Never again would I only have one child to buy for or think about. Christmases as I knew them were a thing of the past. Most of us know either from the experience of parenting a child or from our memories as a child, that Christmas is a big deal to children. There is so much fun and excitement wrapped up into the whole holiday. On Christmas morning each year, as I watch Noah excitedly discover what Santa has brought him, I can’t help but feel a twinge of sadness that I am missing out on watching Charlie discover Santa’s gifts.

It’s bittersweet. I’ve used this word many times before, but it just so perfect to describe the way I feel on Christmas morning. It’s I can’t think of a better word. Bitter because of what I am missing but sweet because I know later that day, Charlie will call me to wish me a Merry Christmas and excitedly tell me what Santa has brought him.

I imagine that a lot of other birthmoms feel this way too. We (as birthmoms) have twinges of sadness and longing for our child and what we are missing and once again, grieve this part of the loss of our motherhood mixed in with what we typically have going on for the holidays.

Coming up next, ways that I deal with the holidays....