In the last two weeks we have had a lot going on, and if you were around my kids today you would have seen them crashing with the after effects. Today was our first “calm” day at home after almost 10 days of vacationing in various locations. There was a ton of fighting, screaming, and other discipline issues beyond the norm for all three of them. I know this is most likely a release from all the changes in the last two weeks, but it has been exhausting.

I think for all children change is a scary thing, but for adopted kids that fear often shows at a much more intense level. While people expect children to be scared about the big changes in life, it can come as a surprise when the tiny stuff sets things off as well. For my crew even thinking about fun things (like two recent vacation trips) will bring on the stressful reactions and behaviors that then makes the whole experience tons less fun for everyone. I admit I wonder how much their ill ease at a sudden change of scenery is normal for their age, and just how much is adoption related.

Some seem to feel that because children who are adopted have that intense primary loss, they are then more likely to be resistant to change. I have read many varied ideas about how a move, a change in school, even a birthday can bring about stressful and frightened reactions from adopted children. I know my own children have never seemed threatened or scared at holidays or birthdays, a time some find difficult, but they do often have trouble with trips and outings. Perhaps then it is just the predictability of the event then?

I know Nancy at the RAD blog has recently presented an excellent set of posts that really hit home for me how important structure and predictability can be for some children. I also know most children pick up and feed off mom and dad’s level of stress (as in when no one is even packed and you were supposed to be out the door four hours ago), but for some reason it had never occurred to me that adoption could amplify those behaviors. For some children those sudden, unpredictable changes, like a vacation or other non-reoccurring event, may be the catalyst for temporary behavior problems.

Does this happen because of some imprint left by the sudden, dramatic shift for the adopted child at the time of placement? Is the response of an adopted child to events that are not planned and predictable more intense because of adoption loss. It is hard for me to say for sure. I am not parenting any biological children, so I cannot compare the fear and stress level that my three experience to a child who has not experienced an adoption loss. Maybe all kids freak out when you go on a trip. I do know that my children can seem very sensitive to me about some changes and that is where I found that some of the principles Nancy voiced could be helpful to any family who is having this issue. She talked about...

* Anticipating the possible problem behavior and having several plans to combat it

* Choosing to focus on one area of the problem behavior, rather than attempting to take it all on.

* Enlisting help

* Remaining calm ( the most important in my opinion)

When all else fails, send them to their room for a nap. That is what I did today, and it worked like a charm, I even took one myself. Change is scary, but with an unfrazzled parent at the helm, I believe most children can learn to adapt. I do believe that no matter how the problem might have first manifested itself, whether through the adoption experience, or just normal childhood development, the learned response to coping is important.

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