I noticed some time back, that Jenna at the birthparent blog had mentioned the concerns she has about some visits with her Munchkin. More recently she spoke of how some visits might not be possible as the birth of her new baby nears. I agree that even when missing some visits cannot be avoided (like when you need to take it easy during a high risk pregnancy) it is still a very disappointing thing.

I too have noticed how hard things in an open adoption can be when life simply gets in way of those regular visits. We all have things happen, it’s unavoidable. Holidays and birthdays can be especially hard to miss, especially for birthfamily. Resentments can easily develop if everyone involved does not consider the other parties perspective. Things can be worse when you simply make the decision not to have a visit at a specific time. There in lies my own issue, because that is what I have recently done.

My middle daughter’s 5th birthday is coming up the week of July fourth, and well honestly we have made other vacation plans. Normally we always have Cierra’s birthfamily over to celebrate her big day, but this year we got a great spur of the moment deal on a resort condo ,and we are not planning her regular party till much later in the month. I know her birthfamily is going to be upset. In fact I am expecting them to be quite angry about it.

We have always held Cierra’s birthday on the Fourth of July holiday weekend. It has always been easier for her birthfamily to be present at that time, since they are members at a resort 3 miles from our home. They always plan their time to come out and stay for the holiday. We have a party, we picnic, we watch fireworks together. Often we find ourselves doing far more with them over the holiday and birthday, than we do with our own extended family (causing no small amount of upset there as well). It seems extremely difficult to attempt to please everyone, and in the long run our own nuclear family of five often gets completely forgotten and neglected.

I know I have been very bad not to let her birthfamily know earlier, but honestly I am already having difficult relations with them and I am afraid this will send it over the top. I really do not think they are going to be happy because we just wanted to go away as a family, but perhaps we are feeling a bit selfish this time. This week in July is my husbands company scheduled shut down too, his only vacation time all year. We really need this time to just spend together right now, in place of merely co-existing as we have been. I really wonder what I can do so they don’t see this as anything personal, and no additional animosity is added to the mix. Right now I am not so sure that’s possible.

I think as adoptive parents it is even harder to choose to cancel a visit than I had imagined. I know as Jenna mentioned, it is hard for birthparents to miss them. They want to spend that time with their child and every moment they have to do that is ultra important. As an adoptive mom, I try to be sensitive to that, but often at my own expense, and that of our own family. I find myself conflicted about feeling I should be available for visits, yet be able to take time away, personal time just for us.

I don’t want to become the “bad guy”, but how else do you break a visit when you are the adoptive family? I often read so many negative things online about adoptive parents limiting or canceling visits, and it is mostly portrayed as a selfish and self-centered thing to do. It stands to reason that I would have some conflict about doing that very thing. We did not make the decision to cancel this visit without a ton of guilt about doing so. I just wish it was acceptable to think about our family first sometimes.

Openness Is A Two Way Street

The Importance of Visits


Photo- Marc Lieberman