Just because adoptive parents have committed to an open adoption relationship does not mean that they are also agreeing to a shared parenting experience with birthfamily. Most parents who adopt do so out of a great desire to fully parent children and there is nothing wrong with the wish to do that. Part of the loss that birthparents will go through in adoption involves the loss of authority to make daily and long term parental decisions for their birth child. This is a difficult loss, but that is part of the importance of placing parents fully understanding the differences of adoption from custody or guardianship of a child. In other types of legal custody arrangements a shared parental decision process might be available to birthparents, but that is not open adoption.

If one set of parents is expecting (be it only the birthparents or only the adoptive parents) an open adoption to become a sort of shared parenting experience it will only cause conflict among the adults in the relationship and this conflict will roll over to effect the involved children. Boundaries and limits, as in any type of relationship need to be defined by the type of relationship. In an open adoption all involved parties need know and understand their unique roll, as well as the other parties level of participation and understand and respect the ways that each of them best support the adopted child. Ultimately though, sharing of the parental responsibilities and no clear limits or boundaries for the open adoption can bring about conflict far faster than anything else.

All too often if birthparents and adoptive parents have not clearly defined their roles and are not respecting limits and boundaries it can result in the disintegration of the relationship. In one situation that I am aware of the adoptive parents had clearly defined that raising the adopted child with a belief that materialism is unhealthy, was a priority for them. They requested that friends, family and birthfamily respect their attempt to teach this principal by limiting gift size and costs and if anyone was unclear to please check with them first. This was apparently something that was equally as important to the birthmother at the time she selected them to adopt her child. Later at a holiday gathering they were disappointed to find that their child’s birthmother arrived with a surprise gift whose cost was in excess of $400.00. Needless to say since they were not informed before the party of this extravagant gift and because the child was immediately presented the gift in front of family and friends by the birthmother, there was little the adoptive parents could do without causing an uncomfortable mess.

Honestly I wonder that this gifting by the birthmother going across a clear set and agreed upon boundary, was a symptom of something more that was going on for the birthfamily such as grief and loss reactions and a need to reclaim some of the control they had earlier relinquished. Needless to say it was not long after this that their relationship became strained and a once open adoption with frequent visits dwindled down to a once a year brief contact. A sad situation that could have been avoided and another huge loss for the child involved. A similar conflict can arise when adoptive parents do not treat a birthparent with respect in their relationship. Respecting the type of contact that was agreed upon with a birthparent before an adoptive placement is important as well if you wish to keep contact respectful and positive, especially for the child.

Understanding and defining boundaries does not mean a lack of respect. Even when a birthparent relinquishes their rights to parent they always retain a special connection to the child that only they can poses. Adoptive parents bring other things to the table through the adoption but this does not mean they should not respect the connection of the birthfamily. Birthfamily should also work hard to respect the family they have brought together for the benefit of their child. It is important that they allow the adoptive parents the entitlement to do the job they all agreed to do. Respect for the connection between birthfamily and child, and adoptive parents and child is not about co-parenting it is about equally respecting.

Resources

A Contested Adoption Becomes Co-parenting

What Open Adoption Is And Is Not From A Birthmom's Point Of View- Part One

Part Two

Entitlement-vs-Ownership