As adoptive parents one of the most important things we can do for our children is to understand and acknowledge the birth “bond.” This can also be one of the most difficult things to do as the whole concept hits us in our most sensitive area, our own loss. Having a child by way of adoption, though joyful and fulfilling our need to nurture and become parents, can also remind us of our loss, the loss of the birth bond with our child.

What is the bond? Perhaps many do not even understand the difference between the “bond” of birth and the “attachment” that forms later between a child and others who enter their lives. A bond comes from the actual physical connection of sharing the same body with another human being. A mother who carries a child is privileged to be the singular one who will share that bond with the baby to be. Even a biological father cannot have a “bond” with his child, this is where attachment comes in. Attachment comes through developing daily trust and care with another person and this can also be a very intense relationship.

Without fully understanding the difference between a bond and an attachment, some might question it. After all our society does all to often use the term of "bond" to loosely describe what is actually "attachment". It took me quite awhile myself to clarify the difference and know that it was not anything personal about me. I had to understand what that meant. I do not share a “bond” but instead a strong attachment with my adopted children, and knowing this allowed me to move past my loss of that desired bond with them and focus on attaching. A fact of nature says that I did not share the bond of birth with my children. That is painful for me as I am their mother now. I feel I can be no closer than I am to them and yet somehow this notion of a bond had me wondering if something was keeping me from being completely connected. It could become easy to focus on what isn’t possible (for me to have birthed the children I am rasing) and forget what IS possible (I can build a strong, loving attachment with my children.)

Having a bond with a child they gave birth too is not something that birthmothers bring up in our relationship in order to usurp us as adoptive parents, it is just a fact of nature. Sometimes adoptive parents can feel like birthmothers have the deeper connection because of the bond of birth, but while forming an attachment takes time and devotion it can become just as close. Accepting, and coming to terms with this human occurrence of the bond of birth is part of forming a healthy attachment with our children and fully becoming their parents.