Is that even possible? I know we spend a ton of time reminding people (and rightly so) that most birthparents really DO care about the child they placed, even when they cannot bring themselves to visit or stay in contact. This “staying away” comes out of the pain and renewal of their grief every time they have to again leave a visit, and without their child. This is something most adoptive parents truly have understanding and empathy for. Everyday I talk to someone who sends letters and pictures out into the world knowing that no one is stepping forward to receive them, but they continue because they understand that the absence is because of pain, and not lack of caring. As much as that hurts, there is still room for empathy and an ability to keep going forward when you understand that a birthparent absence is not motivated from lack of caring about your child.

But what about the birthparent who just really doesn’t care? Are there people who don’t? How do we know if they just really have no interest in a child that was placed, or that we are simply misinterpreting their absence? Well it certainly is something you do not expect to have to face, but sometimes, for some people the worst of the worst is their truth. As an adoptive parent if you come to a place where everything is telling you that this is not the normal situation of grief and avoidance coming from your child’s birthparent it can be like a swift kick in your gut. Pain and grief a person can process and understand (even if we are uncomfortable with it), but an absence of emotion or concern is seriously hard to grasp, yet it happens. What can feel even more isolating is when someone tells you “Well you just don’t get it. EVERYONE cares, you just don’t see it but it is there.” Some of us have found life experiences that unfortunately prove otherwise.

What kind of things might make a parent just not appear to care? Well sometimes drug use and mental health issues can cloud the picture. Other times, there are just some persons in the world who choose to live a life centered around their own needs. A personality disorder might make it hard for them to truly feel care or concern for another human being. It sounds harsh, but the world is not perfect place so it does exist. No one wants to find themselves trying to build a relationship with a person who just has no interest. When you are trying to foster that connection for a child who was adopted it can be even more disappointing.

In my own family relationships there has been what I would call the expected form of grieving and puling away. At times one of my children’s birthparents might pull away and be absent or they might even lash out at us, but I have been sure that underneath this there still lies love and concern for their birth child. I also have a child who has experienced the unexpected kind of absence. A birthparent who just does not seem to care. How do I know for sure? Well time, many trials, and even the confirmation from this birthparent’s own extended family show me that sadly this person just is not interested in things beyond their own personal needs. Their own family mourns the fact that this person is only concerned with themselves and has left others, including children, wondering why behind them. If we knew why then there might be a way to resolve it, but sometimes people make choices and the reasons are only known to them. Maybe they do not even understand it themselves. What has continued to bother me is being told that I have it wrong, that this never happens.

My GOD how I WISH it didn’t!


Photo Credit- "Walking Away" by Caryn Drexl