Now that all three of my children have had their birthday party for this year, I have had a chance to again reflect on the gifts that they received from everyone, including those from their birthfamilies, and what extra importance often lies beyond the fancy wrapping paper. Of course the kids love a ton of presents and toys, but I guess I wish everyone would consider giving something of more substance than cheap trinkets, and dollar store toys, especially their birthfamilies. To me this is a real missed opportunity to avoid some future trauma and feelings of loss for our children, and it is all as simple as what it is that’s gifted.

I admit the kids get a lot of “stuff.” Usually I really do not care for that. I am a, one really nice gift that can last you a long time, or new clothing, kind of mom. I have always encouraged all our family members, birthfamily included, to try something more long lasting, like purchasing an inexpensive savings bond in place of all those toys. I just feel that, especially for birthfamily members, something like this, or passing on an important heirloom to an adopted child, has so much more meaning for the child. So far only our own family have taken us up on this, and purchase each child a savings bond every birthday.

Usually it is the kid’s birthfamilies who over compensate with bags and boxes loaded with things easily lost and broken. Too them it appears the meaning in giving is quantity and not quality. I am not saying that I expect them to go out and spend a ton of money on really expensive things, that is not it at all, but I would have liked to see them invest what they have spent on the kids, in the kids and their relationship. I have tried over the years to encourage the kid’s birthfamilies to invest in them instead of loading them down with all the impersonal gifts, but as usual, they do not get me.

Oh I understand that toys are nice, and I want them to have some, but some is not a word that comes to mind as I trip, stumble, and fall over the excess junk that rules every room they play in. They have too much, and too much of what they have is just clutter in our home. It becomes quickly lost, broken, or kicked around till it finds it’s way into the trash can. I worry that the less than memorable gifts, will somehow bring home the idea for the children, that the connection through our open adoption was somehow less than valuable as well, especially when a birthfamily member dies.

Those of us in open adoptions know that our kids connection to their past is real, and we do not want our kids to ever feel less than important in either family. We spend so much time and energy reminding our children of that importance and connection, and it would be even more clear to them when birthfamily gifts are of a more personal and lasting nature. How much more valuable then would it be for a child to open something like a savings bond, an heirloom, or a special journal, and know that their birthfamily had set this aside just for their future? To me it would have a ton more importance than the Dora The Explorer, Yakity yak adventure set I just stubbed my toe on.

A savings bond (though my personal favorite) is not the only way to make a similar provision for a child. Gifts of time, talent, and building memories together are equally as important. Keeping a journal to write in about your feelings and relationship, just for the child, is another great way to give something more powerful than just another toy. Even when the resources are limited, it can be turned into something with lasting impact.

Our children need tangible signs that their birthfamily have invested not only time in the relationship, but also thought about what remains for our children after they are gone. When the most solid thing they had (the birthfamily member) is gone, and the things that cluttered the floor, and are long gone in the trash, little evidence may remain of the acceptance and love that was once there. Kids need to know in other ways that they were included and cared about, no different than other children by their birthfamily.

Family and Adoption

Journaling for Birthmoms

Broken Gifts

When Your Child’s Birthfamily Lose A Loved One

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