My co-blogger Coley has recently touched on how difficult yet rewarding birthday visits can be from the perspective of a birth/first parent. Events like holidays, but most especially the birthday of their child, can be very emotional times for birthparents. Coley shared some really great tips that could help both birth and adoptive families to better prepare themselves for visits during all the excitement of your child’s birthday.

As an adoptive mother, I have had my share of discovering constructive ways to deal with the underlying emotions of a birthday/birthfamily visit as well. Many of those early visits, and mostly with my older child’s birthfamily, were sort of a “fly by the seat of our pants” kind of process. We did not know what to expect, or how to predict the emotions, that we would be face to face with when these first few visits came around. For the most part they went well, but with additional children, additional birthfamily all with varying personalities, the challenges did arise.

My son’s birthmother had a particularly hard time with his second birthday gathering. I know we talked for some time in detail before the event, planning how we would handle certain situations should they come up. One of the big things that was comforting to her, was to know that if she should suddenly feel overwhelmed, there were private areas of our home she could go to without notice, and take a minute for herself. At one point she did become tearful, and after having my mother, both mother-in-laws (I have two) and I give her a hug, she retreated to a private space to regroup. Things were not easy for her at that birthday party, but as much as possible had been prepared for by both of us.

Our family followed one of the best suggestions that Coley has noted, and that was to take private time before and after the party, just for birthparents to visit with our child. Once tons of family and friends begin to arrive, it can become very difficult to squeeze in the attention you planned to give each other and your child. If birthparents have that personal one on one before, and perhaps after the main event, they may be able to come away feeling more positive about the emotional milestone.

While the individual needs of every family may differ, communication and advance planning seem to be the best way, in my experience, to approach holiday gatherings and birthdays in open adoptions. If both birth and adoptive parents have talked, and understand what each is able to do to support the other during the party, it seems as though a huge amount of stress could be alleviated, and the day can be made more enjoyable for everyone. Birthdays are special milestones and working together as family to make future positive memories from the day possible, is something our children will appreciate through out their lives.


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