"We should not be asking who this child belongs to, but who belongs to
this child."

- Jim Gritter

Not long ago Jenna did a great and very in depth review of Jim Gritter’s book “Life Givers”, that I highly recommend reading (both book and review.) For me this one comment by the author sums up the concept of a child-centered open adoption perfectly. It really is about who belongs to the child, and how they each contribute to what is needed for the child over the course of that child’s life.

The relationships we create in open adoption are for the child, should be about what the child needs. As grown ups we should be able to step back and see that we are there, available for the child. This is true of both birthparents as well as adoptive parents. We belong to our children, they do not belong to us. Adoption should be about giving a family to a child, meeting the needs of that child, and not supplying a child for a family.

To often in adoption we adults forget the “entitlement” of the child to what will best serve them in life, and we replace this with our own wants and desires. We forget that children deserve what “belongs” to them, be it the opportunity to be parented by their family of origin, birthparent involvement after placement, adoptive parents who continually educate themselves about the complexities of adoption, or even things as basic as opportunities for proper healthcare, food, and shelter, free from abuses. Kids have rights, and as adults we are obligated to honor them.

My three children have a whole world of people that in fact “belong” to them. Besides myself and my husband and our extended family, they each have many members of their birthfamilies, who care and are involved for their sake. Their birthfamily members had to let go of some of their own desires, in order to see that the larger picture for these children would be met. My husband and I also have had to set aside some of our own selfish desires, in order to provide what our children need of us. There is really no room for selfishness from any of the adults in an open adoption arrangement. I work very hard to help preserve relationships with my children’s birthfamily, even if I have not always been successful, I always try. I owe it to my children.

I still believe that adoption can be a wonderful thing, an option that needs to remain available in order for so many of our worlds children to receive the things that they deserve in life. I continue to do what I am able to seek reforms to make adoption more ethical and safe for those children, including my own. They don’t “belong” to me, But I am theirs, and I will do whatever I can to give them what life has in store, waiting just for them.

Adopting, Adapting, And Loving The Child For Their Eternal Self

Feeling Compassion For Birthparents

Open Adoption - A Marriage Of Convenience?

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