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Well last week, because everyone in our house was ill, except for the five year old, who decided to be ill today, we missed the scheduled parent- teacher conferences. Now I can honestly say that I was not really looking forward to the darn things. Of course some of that has to do on some level with adoption. The school has a decided lack of understanding about what I am trying to share with them, concerning the issues adopted children face.
I think my husband and I chose this particular, religious school, with the misguided perception that we would somehow be giving our oldest daughter a better chance to achieve and fit in. The last two years have been increasingly difficult for her there though. Part of this (I believe) lies in the fact that they expect my daughter to fit the cookie cutter mold that all her classmates are also expected to squeeze into. I don’t know about how well the others are doing, but I do know that my child, the only adoptee in the class, is struggling.
The thing that makes me the most angry about the current school situation, is I know that my child has additional hurdles to deal with and process in her life, but I can’t seem to get that across to the school. Let’s face it, the kind of challenges that adoption presents can add pressure to the ability of a young child to “measure up” in the eyes of a teacher (or entire school system) who has little to no interest in understanding. The other day my daughter said to me, “Mom, I feel like I have to be prefect or else!” When you also add into the mix the effect that my youngest daughter’s attachment issues has on her older sister, and our whole family, you can see that my ten year old has a lot of extra stressors to overcome. That is if you were interested in understanding. Our school apparently isn’t.
I see a similar story over and over again on the blogs here. Our children as adoptees do have special and unique challenges, but with the willingness to accommodate and understand them, they can go far. I know my daughter has a lowered ability to tolerate some things in the school setting. She is often emotionally more sensitive to certain things, than most of her peers. I also know that she is smart, talented, and very capable to doing well. I am still dreading the rescheduled conference though, because I know all too well that they see her struggles as “bad behavior” and label her as problematic, and an underachiever. It’s really very sad, because if it can’t be resolved soon, it may mean our parting of ways with this school.
Leaving this school will of course mean searching for the same sort of support and understanding in another school setting. I am really discouraged by that prospect though. Are there really any schools out there who are adoptee friendly? If not I will have to follow Nancy at the attachment blog’s lead, and look into the virtual school in my area.
Photo: © 2007 Deb Donatti
