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Each visit with my birth son or each time I talk to him on the phone, he asks me more questions. I must admit that the first time he ever asked me an adoption related question I was unprepared! I was expecting these questions to come during the tween and teen years. I guess I forget how advanced typical children are nowadays.
I stammered answering that first question and almost messed up for a second. I really was shocked as it was so unexpected! But luckily, I took a second, thought, and answered him openly and honestly.
So, at some point in our child’s life, regardless of whether we are the birth parent or the adoptive parent, we are going to be faced with tough questions. After my first experience with answering questions, I’ve realized that I need to try and be prepared for questions. I’ve realized that the questions can come at any time in Charlie’s life and not just the tween/teen years. Some of the questions may not seem as big or as daunting to answer when compared to others, but they are his personal questions all the same, making them important to me.
It’s important to be as honest as possible when answering your child’s questions even if the questions may make you uncomfortable, sad, or dredge up unpleasant memories. Your child needs your honesty.
Also, I think it is important to discuss things in an age appropriate manner. Obviously you would not answer a question from an eight year old in the same manner as you would answer a question from a fifteen year old.
Lastly, I think it is important to not overwhelm your child with too much information at one time or over talk or over explain. With my parented child, at times I can tend to over explain something so I have to take a minute and step back and ask myself “does he really need to know all of this now?” I think it’s wise to do that with our birth children as well. If you haven’t given your child enough information, usually they’ll keep asking questions until you have answered the original question sufficiently.
So tell me, how have you dealt with your child’s questions?
As an adoptive parent of two school aged children, I try to be as open and hoest with them as possible. My kids were five and six when removed from their mom’s care and seven and eight when we adopted them. They are old enough to remember some things but have a very warped sense of reality. For instance, they told me that they couldn’t live with their mom any more because her car broke down. Reality was, she told them that after she left them home alone for two days and went out partying. She said I couldn’t get back home to you because the car broke down. Therefore, when we had a fan belt break on vacation, my son burst into tears because he thought the police were going to come and take him away and make him live with a new family. Very sad. I think if you can answer the questions honestly that is the best thing. It may raise more questions but it will do your kids a world of good and help them tremendously.
My foster daughter said to me one day I remeber when her dad and I left her and her brother at the apartment across the hall from our apartment. Funny thing is my husband and have never lived in an apartment together and we don’t now either. I know she was recalling something from her past. She is young (5 yr old) and this was about a year ago or more. Even though she has seen her birth mom she never asks about her. Hopefully we are comeing to the end of our journery she and her brother have been with our family for over 3 years and we are hopeling we are going to be thier forever home. Birth mom will not give up her rights even though we are in SCPT now.