“Time by minutes slips away, First the hour, then the day, Small the daily loss appears, Yet soon it amounts to years”

- Ronald Tierney

It is hard for me to believe that another year has passed, and my youngest will be 4 years old on Thursday! The time since first holding him at 3 days old has flown by, and the tiny baby has changed and developed into quite a terrific little boy. I know that we are all looking forward to celebrating his birthday this weekend with family and friends, but a small part of me acknowledges that this will also be a day with no small amount of mixed emotions.

Birthdays bring up quite a few feelings for me with each of my kids. While I feel fortunate that they are now a part of my family, I also acknowledge the difficult emotions that the anniversary brings. For these children, birthdays also signify loss, and a loss that many of us can barely comprehend. The interesting thing for me is I have noticed that they seem to struggle the most when their birthfamilies attend their birthday events, and I seem to struggle the most when they do not. This year it looks as though Carson’s birthparents will again be unable to attend his party.

In the past, when his birthparents have been able to come, I see the inner struggle for my son. He might not want to sit by them, or have them help open his presents. He becomes irritable easily and just is not the normal, relaxed, easy going kid we know him to be. I know this inner conflict is not easy for them to see, perhaps it is part of why they always struggle over whether to come every year or not. It is not easy for us to see either, but most times I think what I see when they do not come is hardest for me.

When my son’s birthparents have not been able to come to celebrate his birthday with us I see more of the son I want them to know. He does seem to struggle less, at least at this young age, and he seems better able to relax and enjoy himself. I am not saying that his birthparents are doing anything to make him feel frustrated when they attend. His behavior really is more of his feelings of loss about his being placed for adoption coming out. As young as he is, this is his only way to let them know how that feels for him, and it is obvious he wants them to know. When they are not here, I see more of the wonderful child that I want them to know and see him as, and I feel sad that they are missing that other side of Carson.

Well, I hope that I am wrong about P and E coming to the party. I hope that they do find a way to be here. I really feel like the older Carson gets, the easier it will be for him to let them know his feelings, and also for them to understand. I think the more they understand, the better they can let him know that even though they are not parenting him everyday, they continue to love him unconditionally.

Birthdays, Visits, And Preparing Together

“Family Preservation” - Another Meaning



Photo- "Shadows & Light" © 2008 Deb Donatti