Today was difficult...again.

My five year old has so much going on with her behavior that I am honestly not sure we will ever be able to help her heal. We do what we can, with the knowledge we have, but things just do not seem to be changing. This is one very hopeless feeling.

I worry on days like today, when she flies out of control, and I find myself losing all the amassed compassion from the previous short time between explosions, that she is already beyond my help. I hope that I am wrong, but her birthfamily members tell me that she is basically repeating her birthmother’s early behavior. I wonder if it will continue. I know that isn’t her fault though, it really isn’t.

Somewhere behind all that hopelessness is also a good bit of anger. Anger at the person whose fault I do believe this is. I admit on days like today I am so very angry at my daughter’s birthmother, for everything she did that contributed to this child’s problems. People can believe what they want, but after being screamed at for five hours straight by a child whose brain is just not functioning properly, I feel I have a right to be mad. This mother chose to use drugs, my child did not. I am mad because I could not have helped this daughter when she needed it most, and when it could have made the biggest difference. I wasn’t her mother when it counted for her, and I get mad at myself about that as well.

Yes, I live with the fact every day, that not all birthmothers are loving, caring women who do all they can to protect and nurture the growing baby they carry. I really wish they were, but that has not been my experience with my middle child’s birthmother. As much as I would love to say that it isn’t so, some mothers do abuse their child before the fetus is even done developing in the womb. People like me get to attempt to fix the damage. Sometimes there is not much we can do, but perhaps nurture the anger at that other mother, who allowed our child to become fractured, possibly beyond repair.

Of course I also understand that there really are plenty of birthmothers who are loving, and caring, and did all they could to give their child the best start in life. I do not want my anger at one mother to take away from those mothers at all, but I have to acknowledge that sadly this child’s birthmother was not one of those mothers. I am always, always humbled by birthmothers, like those who blog here, who cared and continue to care so much.

Why couldn’t my daughter have had that too?

The only positive here is that we do have the care and support of our daughter’s extended birthfamily. They understand all too well the damage that was done, and it was also out of their hands to stop it. I would not blame them for being angry too.

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