One on my readers IRIE recently asked me how to go about embracing birthfamily who want more contact. It seems she is also struggling with her own feelings concerning birthfamily members, who want to be super involved with her child. There were certain levels of contact IRIE reported not feeling so comfortable with, at this point anyway, but the fact she is seeking input to work through her feelings shows that potentially, when her child may be ready, she might also be open to such contact.

It was funny that the comment from my reader came when it did, as just days after the post, our own family bumped up the level of trust in one of our open relationships, by arranging an overnight visit with one of our children’s extended birthfamily. This was not an easy thing for us as parents, but we had already set out some ground rules to let us know when something like an overnight visit would be acceptable to us. Since this spur of the moment request met all those requirements, the sleep over was arranged. Our daughter came home the next day calm and relaxed, and that further eased some of the apprehensions that my husband and I may have had at first.

One of the first things as an adoptive parent I would suggest to families of open adoption, is to work hard on the trust building between the adults early on. I really believe that the adults should put even more work and effort into building a high level of trust between themselves at first. When children are small they are more relaxed, flexible and accepting of people they know as extended family, but they also pick up on our cues as parents. If we don’t feel comfortable with people (as in birthfamily) then the child will not be as comfortable with them either.

The next thing I would suggest is as their child grows, adoptive parents should look for ways they can connect with birthfamily, and to guide their child along in their building of relationships with birthfamily members. As the child then reaches different levels of emotional maturity and understanding, allowing them to take the lead themselves in this area may come naturally as well. Some people or birthparents might feel offended at the suggestion that adoptive parents should guide the relationship here, but as the day to day parents, our children do look to us for cues, and direction. Part of our responsibility as parents is to also recognize when our child is sending us the signals that they are ready to “bump up” the level of contact.

For me as a mom, I have worked very hard to build a good trust an relationship with my daughter’s birthfamily. That is not to say we have not had our difficult times, we have, and we have worked it out. My husband and I did not ever wish to push, or suggest overnight visits, but instead opted to listen for when our child was telling us she was interested. When that recently did happen, it was still a bit of a surprise to all of us. My daughter, who is five, had just spent the day with several birthfamily members and our family, and as we enjoyed dinner together she came to me and asked if she could have a “sleep over” with her great grandma, aunt, cousin and little half brother. We trust all of those people, and so her safety was never a concern. We also had built a level of trust that the standard “aren’t you worried that they will run off with her” was not even on my mind.

Even with the trust, I admit that I did have some difficulty. Most of that was simply letting my daughter go (no matter where she was going), allowing her some independence. I also needed to remind myself to be accepting that as she grows older, her relationship with her birthfamily will become something less orchestrated by us as her parents, and more of what she wants and how she connects with them herself. Once I understood that my small bit of apprehension was more about my letting go than it was that anything harmful was going on, I was able to take a deep breath and relax.

Every family does need to gage what will work best for them. I am not suggesting that overnight visits are for everyone, but being open to trusting each other in an open adoption, and then listening to your child’s cues about what feels right to them, will go a long way to helping parents know what is best for their family.

Photo: © 2007 Deb Donatti