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In my last post, I shared bits and pieces of an interview with birthmom and author, Patricia Dischler. Patricia previously shared her experience with her semi open adoption that turned into an open adoption when her son was twelve.
Like any situation, there are positives and negatives involved. For Patricia, the positives to her situation were that she never really felt like she was saying goodbye to her son. She made the decision to place him for adoption because she wanted him to have the family and life that she felt he deserved. On the other hand though, it was extremely hard and painful to follow through on.
Those last moments with him in the hospital, the first few days (or even months) afterwards, were terrible for me. It’s why I requested getting letters before his first birthday. I believe that if I could have had contact with the adoptive family right away (as many birthmothers today can) that it would have done a lot to help me through that time faster. Having it be difficult never made me wish I hadn’t done it, I always knew it was the right choice, but it was still a period of grief that was difficult.
For her son, open adoption gave him the opportunity to know his birth family. Even before they had a face to face meeting, the adoptive parents of Patricia’s son were always very open with him. They showed him her photos, answered his questions, etc and then when he was ready to meet her they willingly agreed and set it up.
In closing I asked Patricia if she had any advice for expectant mothers considering open adoption or adoptive parents involved in open adoptions.
For expectant mothers considering open adoption, Patricia advises them to explore both options before making a choice.
The only way to make a choice without regrets is to fully understand what you are not choosing. Regret comes from the “what if’s” left behind when you don’t know how the other choice would have played out.
She also advises them to go to post adoption counseling and remember that you do not have to go through this alone.
For adoptive parents, Patricia advises that when they show respect for their child’s birthmother that they are showing respect for all of who their child is since their birthmother is a part of them too. She also believes that a child will form positive or negative feelings regarding adoption from their adoptive parents.
Parents who are open to a child’s questions and provide a positive response and discussion about adoption will be telling their child it is a positive experience. Parents who shy away from questions and are not open about the adoption in general to others are telling their child there is a part of them to be ashamed of or angry about.
In order to have a healthy open adoption relationship, Patricia advises adoptive parents and birthparents to take time to get to know one another and become friends.
The first step is simple – get to be friends, not strangers! You do this by building off of respect for each other. Respect the feelings of the other person, they will respect yours. Then, by sharing those feelings with each other honestly you’ll get to know each other and begin to build connections. It takes time, but considering the final destination – a child who feels secure in how much ALL of his family loves him – it should make it all worthwhile.
Thank you Patricia for taking the time to answers these questions and share your experience with us.
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Photo Credit: Patricia Dischler
If you’d like to read more about Patricia’s adoption experience, check out her book, Because I Loved You. http://www.patriciadischler.com/aboutlove.htm
