I know I have commented before about some fellow adoptive parents, who feel they have the ability to totally understand the birthparent experience, and how much that attitude bugs me. I have been told time and time again, by the few who think they have it all figured out, how some of the rest of us just don’t “get it." As if some adoptive parents could ever really have a handle on what birthparents go through! My own belief is that no way do I know what it feels like to be a birthparent, I barely have a clue, but I do want to listen and learn.

While reading in the blog world the other day I ran across a post by Paragraphein which just confirms my thoughts, that I don’t know half as much as what there may be to know about losing a child and becoming a birthparent. Her post lays bare just the tiniest suggestion of what most birthmoms, even those in very open adoptions, might be feeling about adoption, loss, and how very little the rest of us truly understand it. If this is just the tip of the experience, could those other adoptive parents please just accept with me, that perhaps there is ten times more that we have not even begun to understand?

“But basically? Basically, I’m awfully good at nodding noncomittally, at not rocking the boat, at not causing a stir. At keeping my true and deep feelings private.”

How can these adoptive parents who are the activists, and the stanch defenders of birthparent outrage and indignation, fully accept and fully align themselves with what they have never fully been privy to though? To me it almost seems like a dangerous assumption that we as adoptive parents could claim full knowledge of how it feels, to be one of those who surrendered their children into our care. We can’t. To me the only thing that is obvious is, that I have a ton of listening yet to do. I may never, ever hear enough to know even the slightest about what the birthparents of my children go through though.

“So the next time you’re tempted to think that you know “the birth mother experience” because your acquaintance at church, your coworker, your friend from high school ten years ago, or even your child’s first mom has said something to you about her own relinquishment…. just remember.
You’re probably not even getting the tip of the iceberg.
And in fact, there’s a good chance even she isn’t aware of the whole iceberg.”

I believe there is a good chance that those adoptive parents who honestly feel they totally “get” the birthparent journey, are not saying that to be hostile or hurtful to others. At least I hope there is not hidden animosity there. My thought is that adoption also hurts them so much, as adoptive parents, on some level. It is so frightening to be in the dark about something so emotionally tied to the essence of what we have built our lives around (adoption and adoption loss). Some may need to convince themselves they have it figured out, as a method to cope.

We adoptive parents have our secrets too. Perhaps we do not want to allow our own frailness and insecurities, created under the pressure of adoption complexities, to become visible to others. Perhaps we don’t want others to sense that we know we really don't get it at all.

Photo

For information/instructions on how to subscribe FREE to your favorite AdoptionBlogs, please visit this link.