Like many other challenging things in life, people who are adopting a child often seek a support group at some point during the process. Groups are great because they can bring you together with other like minded people to share stories, experiences and the pains and joys involved. Support groups can come in many forms, the most common being online or internet originated, and in person or physical meetings.

When we first looking into the adoption process, we were considering an international placement and had signed on with a rather large support group in the nearby St. Louis, Missouri area. The group, International Families, at the time had over 300+ families who had either adopted from all over the world, or were like us and in the beginning stages. The group met once a month and had a main meeting for parents to bring along children and socialize as well as a “Waiting Family” style separate meet going on at the same time and location, but in another room.

While we did go occasionally to the waiting parent meeting, for me the main meeting (and a chance to actually see the children that parents were encouraged to bring along) was the most exciting. There were kids of all ages, from all over the world present! Children were welcomed home every month from places like China, Russia, Guatemala, Korea, Columbia, among others. I recall one family that was heavily profiled in the local news when they returned from Russia with a five sibling group. Coming to the meeting it was exciting to meet them in person. To people thinking that perhaps there were no possibilities of ever being able to parent, seeing all those beautiful children gave me real hope that a child could be waiting for us as well. We were probably members of that group for 2 ½ years and looked forward to meetings quite a bit.

As were attended the group we were working toward our international home study and also looking for a possible domestic adoption on our own. About a year into our group we located our first daughter’s birthmother and within days we were bringing her home. I remember how shocked friends from our group were when we had attended April’s meeting childless, and then arrived at May’s meeting with a newborn! While most people were very positive and supportive about our sudden change in direction, still including our daughter’s arrival in the monthly announcements and quickly directing us toward others in the group who also adopted domestically, there were a few things that began to crop up.

We still were members of that group for another year, but unfortunately it became obvious that because we did not end up adopting in the way most of those present had, we would have problems. Now not everyone had an issue with us being there, but occasionally we ran into a member, who because of their own place in the process, could not find themselves supportive of our family. In fact a few went out of their way to let us know about it. I will never forget one woman we barely knew saw us as we were exiting the meeting and felt the need to come up and make some harsh judgements. She commented, “You know we have been waiting longer than you, It really should have been us first.” I think I was floored! I remember telling her something to the effect that her “time” would also arrive if she hung in there, but at that point I realized we had really moved away from this particular support group.

Although I think I understood the pained reaction that the woman shared through her comment that day, It also made me reevaluate what kind of support group we might be in need of now. Those waiting for an international placement obviously went through a much longer wait than we had for our domestic adoption, I sure she was frustrated by that, but by comparing our adoption experiences she was expecting apples to be like oranges. We needed to move on and find a new group that better addressed our adoption experience.

Coming up... Searching for a new support group