My middle child, who has several behavioral issues which seem to be exacerbated by her birthfamily’s current inconsistent presence in her life, has yet another difficulty to face off I am finding. Last week we received an invite to her biological little brother’s first birthday in August. A cute little picture of him was included, and my daughter’s only response was to ask, “who is that baby mom?” She already has forgotten who her littlest brother is, and it just flat out makes me angry that this has even happened.

For the whole first year of this little fellow’s life we have wanted our daughter to see and get to know him. They are siblings, no matter where each of them resides, who is parenting or raising them, they in my belief should know each other. Sadly for my daughter (and her little brother) they barely do. We only have the power over the things we are willing to do to have these siblings see each other and build a relationship, but we are not the ones who are avoiding contact.

It seems to me like a crime that a year of time these siblings could have used to build special memories together is lost forever. Our daughter’s birthfamily have their own issues and troubles which have made them decide not to be as involved in her life since the new baby arrived. Sadly I believe they feel that they have to choose between these children now. The seem to give all their positive attention to the baby they are raising (he is theirs), and have backed away from our daughter suddenly (well she is ours). In the process these kids are feeling the loss of their daily relationship as siblings.

I really thought about all the things I would have loved to have happen for this sister and brother over the past year, and how little of it I had the ability to make happen. The time is gone and can never be recaptured. Our family really would have liked to. . .

Have had the two of them visit, at least once a month (we live so very close this would be easy to do if the adults were all only willing).

Had one, perhaps two sets of professional pictures taken of the kids together. I know we were only ever able to have one such portrait done with our oldest daughter and her three older sibs, and she truly treasures it as evidence of their connection.

We would have loved to see our daughter enjoy a holiday or two with her baby brother around. I know at Easter he and his great grandma were just three miles away from us, but chose not to get together.

Been able to stop by for a short visit at their house the two times a month that we are just miles away at her therapist visit. Our family always pops by when they are close, we wished we could do that for the kids too.

Felt welcome to have our daughter call and let her little brother hear her voice over the phone.

Been able to encourage our child to build a relationship without worrying that the carpet would be ripped out from under her when her birthfamily restricted the contact.

I think we see part of what is going on, but we are still powerless to change it in many ways. My husband and I feel like our daughter’s birthfamily is afraid if our daughter gets to close to the baby, then we are getting to close, and they are afraid we are seeking to take him away. We have told them over and over that we are not interested in taking him away from them, we just want the kids to have as much of a relationship as possible. All we can do now is hope that they will eventually see what they are unnecessarily keeping the kids from experiencing together. One can only hope that they will do this sooner, rather than later. Kids grow up so quickly, a years goes by in the blink of an eye, and what is lost can never be recaptured.


Tiny Love Notes

A Brother Connection

Hand Me Downs