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This weekend was my daughter’s 10th birthday party and we had the traditional family, friends and birthfamily present. In the fuss before hand getting everything ready I did not notice something adoption related that I had left out in the kitchen until later in the midst of my daughter’s party when her birth grandma mentioned it to me. She was polite, I was embarrassed, and for lack of a better place to put this thing it still sits on the inside of my kitchen door. So what is IT you ask? Well the little piece of my past adoption story hanging on my (metal) back kitchen door is a 12×32 magnetic sign that asks the observer to “Consider Adoption”and Call J & D if you do. Well not in those exact words, but you get the drift.
“Are you looking to adopt again?” birth grandma wanted to know with interest (perhaps because she is raising my daughter’s 3 teen siblings, two of whom are already “parents” to babies who, you guessed it, she is also raising). No, I told her, we aren’t. This was a sign we had put together before we adopted our second child to assist us in our local networking to meet someone considering adoption, about five plus years ago. For most of this time the sign, which actually reads “Expecting the Unexpected? Please Consider Adoption”, has been located on the hidden side of our refrigerator till we recently purchased a new fridge which is a tight fit and the magnet got moved to a temporary location on the kitchen door.
At the time we thought the sign, made to be put on the side of our minivan, would be a good way to get out the word that we wanted to adopt to a larger group of people. We had already told our family and friends, and they told their friends, and so on and so on. . . This was a way to network amongst those we didn’t know as well right? Looking back today, with a lot more experience and also adoption related information under my belt I am beginning to wonder if the sign was helpful in our adoption journey, or perhaps just hurtful to some who encountered it along the way. Back when I had the sign made, the intention was to connect with a mother who was planning an adoption, not to coerce anyone but just to make them aware that we existed. A normal thing to want to do I thought, although my husband told me on more than one occasion that he was glad that I was the one driving the van (bearing the magnet) and not him.
Many years later, and after this weekend and our unplanned sign discussion with birthfamily members, I began to think about how the adoption community might view this sort of advertising to find a child to adopt. I am all too aware today that many have a huge distaste for adoption networking or advertising of any kind while others (mostly those seeking to adopt) still use many of the same ideas as we did five years ago (not so sure about a 12×32 magnetic sign though). I cannot fault many birthparents who do not care for some of the networking and advertising out there. I see a lot of it, mostly from huge agencies that also leaves a bad taste in my mouth. But what about what we did? Does that fall into a similar category? I know our intent was not to coerce anyone to place a baby with us, but just to make our larger local community aware that we were in the process of adopting. Is that a bad thing?
I know at the time we thought we had carefully worded our sign, and meant no offense to anyone, but perhaps it was not the best idea, looking back. Maybe there were people out there who ran into our sign and it made them feel bad, or offended or worse. I certainly hope it didn’t. Would we have done it knowing things that we now know? Perhaps, but I am not sure. At that time our idea was a lot like those looking for a missing child. The desperation is such that you will tell everyone, in any way just so they know and can help you possibly find that child. Now I believe I feel more like if the child is meant to come to you, you will be found. Networking might help, but extreme networking is not as necessary. The funny thing is that this sign was not responsible for our finding any of our three children at all. A big waste of 12×32 magnetic space.
Having gotten to know you a bit on line, I think your motives were the best. However, if I saw a sign like that on a car, it would offend me deeply. And yes, it would also hurt.
It depends the wording. As the grandmother of an unexpected, yet beloved child who is being raised in our family, I find the “Expecting the Unexpected?” phrase extremely offensive and disrespectful. Although I am sure it was not your intention to insult women who experience unplanned pregnancies, I think that the phrase smacks of classism and prejudice based purely on an unplanned pregnancy.
I do understand the need to network but please do it respectfully. When my single daughter became pregnant, my family did not relinquish its right to human dignity.
Happy G’Ma
I think we felt (after careful consideration) that “Expecting The Unexpected?” was not offensive because it does NOT suggest a positive or negative about the pregancy as perhaps the phrase widely used by adoptions agencies “Crisis Pregnancy?” does. Really there is no way to network as respectfully as you suggest because any and all terms may touch sensitive to someone.
I failed to mention that our first try at networking we simply asked “Considering Adoption?”, but this caused us to recieve countless calls from other adopting couples who wondered if we were placing, it was just too vague. We found pregnancy needed to be mentioned and in trying to be non-judgemental about any woman’s pregnancy we choose to say “Expecting The Unexpected?” I do not find that to be distracting from anyone’s human dignity. If studies were done I would say well over half of ALL pregnancies are unplanned ones, but rarely are those who have carefully planned a pregnancy then considering an adoptive placement for that child.
As already said most anything someone would say while networking could be offensive to someone. Thinking through to be as sensitive as possible is really all one can do if they choose to use networking adds. This was what we did and looking back I have no regrets, but seeing that this venture did not assist us in any measurable way to find our future children I am not sure we would choose to do it again.