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Right around the holidays last year I had a relative ask me a crazy birthparent related question, “Doesn’t seeing THEM cause a problem?” I do not know what surprised me more, that she asked a question obviously showing she buys into the myth that open adoption equals a big problem, OR that she is also a grandmother of two adopted kids (and should there by be better educated right?). I believe I let her know that seeing our children’s birthfamilies “does not cause us any problem, did it cause her one?”
It’s amazing where you will still find the myths in adoption alive and well. Unfortunately I am all too aware that she is not the only one who believes this one huge adoption myth. Open adoption just has to mean big problems right? I think I understand that this myth is rooted in fear and lack of education about open adoption in general, but that does not mean you will not find it in the closest, most familiar places.
If I had truly been in a place to educate (this was a party and the offender was busy whisking out appetizers), I might have let her know why openness in adoption can lessen your problems, if you do it right. If I had been able to hit a few high points to de-bunk this myth I might even have shared a few of these positives.
* Openness is only a problem for a child if they sense that the adults involved have a problem with it.
* Developing a relationship with your child’s birthfamily can help you better appreciate the things that they passed on to your child, like their great smile or talent for music.
* Having your child’s birthfamily involved in an open adoption means that your child will have fewer reasons to feel like they are disconnected to their heritage, or wonder if they were ever abandoned or unloved.
*Your child will be able to ask the questions of their birthfamily that will help them more fully find their sense of self, and they won’t have to wait 30 years for the answers.
* More people in your child’s life to show them love! You can never get too much of that.
Like any relationship, building an open adoption is not an easy process, it takes a ton of work and a deep commitment for the sake of your child. That said it is well worth the effort.
Thank you for this informative post, and I hope you’ll take my questions & comments in the honest (and hopefully not offensive) tone I mean them. I don’t want to step on any toes and I’d like to learn more about open adoption.
In your last sentence here, you mention it requiring some effort to have a positive open adoption experience. As one of those “uneducated” people, I guess your effort is to avoid problems- which brings back the idea that developing a relationship with the bps involves risk of problems.
Open adoption has the potential to be an amazing gift to all involved, but there is some risk, is there not?
Well as any relationship there is always a chance things will go badly. Since making this post I have hit a sour spot in one of our relationships with birthfamily members, but we keep working at it.
The important thing is to be willing try. It’s not about our needs as adoptive (or birth) parents but about the childs.